Dorn's Blog

Lost Her, But Didn't Lose It.

2012-01-03T00:31:00.003-06:00

We took the kiddos out to Austin's Auditorium Shores for New Year's Eve. We've been to this place several times for concerts and whatnot. Typically there's a family-friendly event going on and bonus, they're usually, if not always free.

This was no different. Live music, a rave inspired neon light circus show, food vendors, and capped off with a fireworks show. We had no intentions of sticking around for the fireworks since they happen at 10pm and my kids are still too young to know that Mom and Dad gypped them in any way.

Most importantly, they got to play with other kids and have a little freedom. That freedom came with a set of eyes on each kid at all times. Declan doesn't stray far, nor can 17-month-old legs carry him very fast, so his supervision was left to my 28-week-pregnant-with-triplets wife. Berlin on the other hand has the energy and speed of a 3-year-old. She'd go pretty far away before she looked back to see if I was still around. This led to her going further and further each time because I was following her.

This thought flashed through my head a couple times: Give me a machete, a ski mask, and some creepy piano music and Jason Vorhees and I are just a blood lust apart. I'd walk, determinedly, but not quickly and keep pace with her with no issues. She'd run off too far and I'd grab her and turn her around with a stern warning not to go to far away from us.

With over a thousand people around and it being dark by this point, maybe 7pm, I wasn't completely comfortable to just let her run. That said, I was going to buy her one of those little lighted, elastic, star chaser things that all the other kids were playing with, shooting into the air. That's what started the running to begin with...she was chasing the stars. I was digging in the diaper bag for my wife's wallet and took my eyes of her for 15 seconds tops. She was gone.

Panic hit very quickly. My eyes began darting around the field where she was. I alerted Tina and took off walking. She was wearing a longish layered skirt over her jeans, I figured her silhouette would pop for me as I began searching. I made my circuit around the main field twice. Each time expanding farther than the last. I'd check back with Tina ever minute or so. Still nothing. I then weaved through the lines at the concessions. Weaved through the circus area.

I had to keep my mind from reeling with the possibilities. Like, why did we let her be so outgoing? She has no fear of strangers. I thought it would be better for her to be out going than become an introverted emo. What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of parent loses their child? Wait, that cop that was next to us earlier knows what she looks like and who we are...bunch of red heads can't be that easily forgotten, right? I had to stop it when my search expanded to the lower (stairs involved) parts of the field leading to the drop off to the running path along the river. Oh crap, the river.

No, surely she wouldn't have gone this far. This is a lot more than she'd do right? Nope, when she runs from me at the house, it's five houses or so before I catch up to her usually.

She's the type to stop and call out for Daddy until I reappear when she realizes I'm not there. She did it twice when a person stood between us this night. Better check back with my wife.

Sure enough, there she was, strapping Berlin into the wagon with Declan. That relief wiped away all anger I felt toward her and especially me at that moment. Apparently, she was searching for us too. Tina found her about 20 feet from where we were looking through the people sitting on the blankets. Thank you freaky hippie types for not stealing my child.

I stormed off puling the wagon for a minute while I decided what to do next.

Berlin asked where we were going. I stopped the wagon and told her "we're leaving because you ran off. You cannot run off without us." I got an "oh, ok." I'm not sure what I should have done or what I should have expected of her. Spanking didn't seem appropriate when all I wanted to do was hold her.

We hung out in a different area for another half hour where the kids were a little easier to corral. Later we stopped by the giant Moon Tower Christmas Tree before heading home. Tina and I didn't really talk about it much other than acknowledging that she doesn't mind nor do we pay close enough attention to have five children in a month.

I'm glad I didn't hit that parental melt down mode that I felt coming on during the whole search. How the hell do teenagers do this and not accidentally get their kids killed? I'm supposed to be the responsible one in this arrangement of parent and child and damn did I just luck out.

Happy Friggin' New Year.

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T00:13:00.000-06:00

Started a dozen blogs last month that never went anywhere. Family has kept me busy and it's great. Hope your 2012 is looking as bright and exciting as mine is. The triplets are growing nicely and at 28 weeks, my wife is doing remarkably well! Both kids had a blast at Christmas. I'll try to pop in more often now that the newest family members are about to explode on to the scene.

Here's a Facebook Status recap for 2011. I posted one last year too and I have to say, it's interesting to reread your updates. This year was obviously heavy on the family, which is probably the appropriate balance given the stage we're currently in.

Cheers!

Suffer Through It

2011-12-06T16:25:00.001-06:00

Cracked.com can absorb a lot of my "free time" if I let it. Daniel O'Brien published an article titled, Five Jobs Everyone In The World Should Have At Some Point, the other day. This is something I've discussed at length in my past stoner days working as a waiter.

Waiting tables can be very lucrative at times. When you're a student who needs drinking money, all that cash in your pocket is a dangerous perk when rent comes due. The downside of earning cold hard cash in the restaurant industry is you have to serve assholes at their absolute worst.

You see movies where the servants of a house hold mock their employers for being out of touch with society and whatnot. Typically these comments follow a scene where the lady of the house puts a maid in her place or the lord of the manor takes his butler for granted. More than half the folks who enter a restaurant, that doesn't have a drive thru window, temporarily step into the role of arrogant servant abuser.

I saw a news clip years ago that stated that 40% of people in a restaurant believe the waiter cooks the food as well. That percentage seems highly suspect to me given that it's nearly the same amount as the people who get pissy when they cannot find their waiter who just refilled their drinks and asked if they needed anything 2 minutes prior.

I'll stop digging up old memories and move on with my point. Yes, of course I have one. My stoner days were rife with a sense of superiority found in many a teenager/twentysomething. I believed that everyone should be a waiter, a janitor, and a police officer for at least a year of their life. My theory was that serving people, cleaning up after people, and corralling people would give everyone a better understanding of the world around them.

Dan's Cracked piece included: Waiters, Working with Kids, Tech Support, a Position of Power, and a Manual Labor job. I'd agree with the addition of Teacher/Camp Counselor/Nursery Worker/Parent to the list. The tech support or any kind of customer service job, especially one over the phone is also respectable addition. My three fit the bill with his remaining ones though.

Wouldn't the world be a better place? Literally stepping into someone else's shoes. Respect yourself and respect others. I don't think it gets any simpler than that, right? Oh, and have a laugh or two a day; Cracked is a good place to start!

Intro to Eastern Medicine

2011-11-15T13:58:00.001-06:00

I assume massage could be categorized as Eastern medicine, but it's so mainstream now I'm not sure. A few months ago a place called Turtle Dragon ran a Groupon for acupuncture sessions. I'd always wanted to try it but never followed through. So this struck me as a fun opportunity and I bought it.

My appointment was yesterday. I went into the little shop that smelled a bit like a head shop with the incense (at least that's what I assume it was) filling the air. They had all kinds of ointments and Asian knickknacks like you'd find in any Chinatown souvenir shop on display with some interesting seating and decorations putting you into that foreign culture vibe. Just like a doctor's office there was a little windowed box with a receptionist to greet you. She had me fill out some forms. Most were health history and a description of a typical day with food, exercise, bathroom breaks, and stress laid out. I was very frank and honest, why not? Who knows what they could screw up if I tried to make myself sound better than I am.

I also put in information about the car wreck I was in a couple weeks ago. Quick recap. A taxi driver didn't see that me and all the traffic on the highway were stopped because an accident was being cleared out of the right lane. He tried to jump to the right but saw a couple of police cars and smacked right into me. Company car, so I'm not worried about the damage. His was destroyed. He told the cops who, being on the scene helped us get safely to the other side of the highway, "He just stopped!" Without skipping a beat the officer said "and you didn't!" Humor isn't appreciated in times of stress, and especially when English is your second language! He got a couple tickets and I got a jacked up back and neck.

So the acupuncturist comes out to greet me. He was about 6 foot, trim, good looking, white guy. Not really what I was expecting but then again, I doubt an elderly China man would be caught dead associated with Groupon. So he gets me into the room and says "20 cups of coffee?" I pointed out that it was per week, not a day. Apparently 4 cups a day is excessive...who knew? He said "don't you realize that caffeine is a toxin plants produce to warn animals not to eat them? We need to find you something else to supplement after your first cup or you will feel like crap in your 40's." Apparently he finds that confrontation is relaxing for his clients.

He has me lay down on the table and starts pushing around on different parts of my body and asking if they are tender. He moves right into putting needles into some points around my arms, hands, legs and ankles. I just lay there for about 10 minutes. They didn't hurt going in, but after a little while I felt a slight burning around them, but nothing horrible. He comes back in to put more pins in me, a few around my belly button. After pushing around on my stomach, he informs me my sugar intake is too high and goes on about how many grams are in an apple and the behemoth bananas Dole produces. I'm left to lie again. I'll give him that being alone in a room at a time when I'm usually inundated with phone calls was relaxing, but I don't know how much the needles did.

Later he has me flip over (needles removed) and starts feeling around on my neck and back. He tells me he'll focus on my neck with the next set of pins. He asked if I'd mind him doing something a little more rigorous to help with the relief but since it was my first time he wanted me to make that call. I let him know I wasn't apprehensive about whatever he wanted to do. Besides, I might as well get the most out of this since I probably won't go back...yep, snap judgements are a bitch, especially when we get off on a bad foot first.

He explains that he wants to do some cupping to help recirculate the bad blood that's stored in my muscles. No not that kind of cupping, the kind with heated glasses on your skin. They basically act like a vacuum. I'll admit, I understood the concept, but hadn't really though beyond that. When he returns he rubs my back with lotion and applies the cups. Only two of them. He then rubs them all over my shoulders and upper back. This was quite possibly the most painful experience I've ever willingly allowed to happen to me. Not like breaking a bone or child birth, but the friction really did hurt like hell.

He was done and about to put more needles in my neck, shoulders, arms, and legs when he said something that startled me. He said "you might forewarn whoever you share you life with what we did here before you take off your shirt tonight. Your back will look kinda gnarly." My head popped up and I said "like bruised?" He replied "bruisy." I laid there the rest of the time, far less relaxed until he came in to take the pins out and send me on my way.

He may not be a doctor but bruisy isn't a word I want to hear describe what the after effects of treatment. When I got home I wanted my wife to see because I hadn't gotten the chance to inspect it. Looking at your own back takes more than just a glance over your shoulder. Horrified is the only way I can describe her face when I removed my shirt. I have a giant Kandinskyesque hickey all over my back. I'm pretty sure an S&M club would leave me less visibly accosted.

Gnarly is right huh? Today, I'd describe it as "bruisy" given the purple and yellow that have joined red's party on my back. Not really diggin' the whole muffin top thing that I have going on either, but c'est la vie.

A friend of mine is way into Tai Chi and touts acupuncture's glories as well as his desire to own his own set of cups. There's something for everyone out there. The pin pricks were just a little red and have already gone away. This shit ain't going anywhere any time soon! I'll leave my health to professionals from now on.

Monkey See, Monkey Do, Please Just Stop

2011-11-13T22:10:00.000-06:00

Declan now mimics everything Berlin says and tries to copy everything she does too. Granted everything doesn't come out the same. This competition is awesome. When they are watching a TV show, he now talks back the same way she does. She didn't develop this until she was two!

With it comes the downside. If she's whiny, so is he. If she throws a golf ball at the window, so does he. That'd be my fault for bringing them home in the first place, right?

What's funny though is that in her bullying, she instantly wants to do whatever has struck his fancy. So I guess they just feed off of each other. Either that or they are actually learning something.

He hit the eating crayons with reckless abandon stage recently. I can't say he doesn't stick everything in his mouth, but chalk and crayons are being chewed every time I turn around now. I don't miss this from her. The difference is with Berlin, I didn't have to worry about another sibling leaving them out and about. With her it was our fault for leaving them within reach.

We're still a ways away from potty training Delcan, but Berlin has been trained for all but a month of his life. The past year, she has had fewer accidents than I can count on one hand. That is until the past few weeks. She'll get enthralled with the TV and not give herself enough time to run to the bathroom and get her clothes out of the way. She's peed on the rug/stool at least 10 times in three weeks. Twice in the hallway right after she says she has to go. She'll announce she has to potty and we tell her to get in there. Something will preoccupy her, whether it's something we're doing, the TV, a little dance she wants to do prior or just about anything.

I'm tired of cleaning it up. I realize she just turned 3 and I should expect this. That said, a full year with out a hiccup and now urine on the floor every day? Tina swears she left a log on the carpet in the living room. By the time she found it she just cleaned it up and didn't investigate. Slacker. The poop in the bathtub was an experiment. I'm thinking this was too.

What would you do to change the recent messy behavior?

Birthdays in the Wired World

2011-11-08T12:18:00.000-06:00

It's my birthday. November is a heavy birthday month for my family. I've got aunts, uncles, cousins, and a sister with birthdays this month. On top of that, three generations in one week. My daughter's birthday was the 3rd, mine's the 8th, and my Mother's is the 10th. Kinda cool really.

You hear people, myself included, gripe about Facebook for various reasons. Days like today however make it totally awesome. My phone dings every time some one posts birthday wishes on my wall. Let's be realistic, I know it announces my birthday at the top of the page, so maybe people didn't just remember it. But the constant outpouring of love coming my way makes me feel pretty good just the same.

From Facebook, text messages, emails, and phone calls, I'm diggin this interconnected world we live in. Hell, my aunt even sent me an Amazon Gift Card via Facebook. While connecting your "finances" to the social network may be iffy, that was a pretty cool side affect.

So to all you fellow Scorpios out there, I hope your day will be as enjoyable as mine has been.

3 Years

2011-11-04T09:05:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was my little girl's 3rd birthday. Tomorrow marks the day we actually took her home three years ago. It's hard for me to grasp that there will soon be 5 little ones running around my house. I am still learning as a parent. In truth, I believe everyone continues learning as a parent their entire lives. My parents are having to figure out how to be grandparents, theirs are learning to be great grand parents. Constantly gaining and lessening responsibility. Also constantly gaining and imparting wisdom or at least your opinion onto the next generation.

I've certainly, bearing my ass, have tried to impart my experience onto new parents. Now I've learned to just keep my mouth shut. No kid is the same. Now that we have two that is certainly evident. I have a friend who successfully did that whole cry it out crap with her first kid and the second kid wouldn't have any of it. There is no guide book or correct versus incorrect. That's what gives each of us our individuality, our personalities mixed with those of our parents and siblings all swirled into different socioeconomic levels.

So what have I learned in 3 years of parenting?

If something is breakable and within your child's reach, it will be broken. In fact, if you leave anything within their reach, yelling at them for ruining it is really silly cause it's so your fault you ninny. Of course I'm speaking to myself here.

Mommy and Daddy's toys are far more coveted than any other object in the house. Cell phones, Television Remotes, Stoves, Refrigerators, Power Tools, Computers, Kindles and Cars. Most will have to be replaced at some point because of their obsession and penchant for destroying objects!

If you want your child to eat something specific, lets say a sandwich or non pasta related food item (cause you know pasta will be devoured no problem) do not under any circumstances let them see chips, fries or any other potato related item. Starches will win every time.

Volume levels of children are adjusted accordingly to the importance level of a phone conversation. Trying to get a telemarketer off the phone and your whole house is silent. Chatting with a friend or relative, there is a constant murmur with occasional bursts of "here I am" reminders. Finding out that a relative has just passed away and you might as well be at a public playground. Working diligently with the computer technician whom you waited on hold with for 2 hours to get to and Walmart's PA system might as well be attached to your shoulders. Try talking to your boss while trying to convince him that working from home will cause no distractions to your work performance and 747's fueled by baby screams couldn't touch the sound level your kids produce. I now look forward to going to my office at work and completely understand why my mother used to lock herself in the bathroom for half an hour every night.

Poop happens. A lot. Lose your gag reflex and always keep extra wipes around. Same goes for snot and drool, just less gagtastic I guess.

Older siblings will hurt younger siblings. You must defend the little ones.

Younger siblings will annoy older siblings. Give them separation often.

My kids are my biggest fans. Every time I walk in the door I have 2 little people scream DADDY! Typically followed by my wife mumbling, yeah, go get your father please. Enjoy this adoration, I've seen my friends with teenage children. It goes away completely. The cacophony of 5 rugrats calling out my name could be really cool though.

Speaking of names. If you call your spouse by their real name, so will your children. I've been Dorn my entire life and only Daddy for the past three years. Why then is it so unnerving to hear my daughter call me Dorn? It's even better now that we're Daddy and Tina not Mommy. Snicker every time gets me smacked.

Pacifiers are a blessing and a curse. My son wouldn't take one at all. My daughter had hers taken away 6 months ago. That was the end of non-car-educed-naps.

Children are so much smarter than we given them credit for. Combine them in groups and they can do serious damage. Just because they cannot properly communicate their thoughts doesn't mean they aren't using their little heads.

The television programs that annoy you the most are probably the ones teaching your children something. Those you can actually stand to watch are mindless crap. Both serve a purpose.

Yelling at your children is pointless. They will tune you out in an instant. You'll learn to reciprocate accordingly.

I'm sure there's a million and five other things but I've still got forever ahead of me to continue learning. Most important thing though is to enjoy each moment you have because time flies so quickly. I can't wait to see what the next 3 years holds, let alone 30!

Please Explain Herman Cain

2011-10-20T08:51:00.002-05:00

I am not a tax expert. In fact, because I don't own a home and currently only have 2 children (though it will spring to 5 in a few months) I end up with the standard deduction every time. That very reason is what I believe truly separates the rich from the poor. The ability to claim deductions. I'd never understood why we would tax the wealthy more until recently. The wealthy have CPAs do their taxes, not TurboTax or H&R Block. They get every fraudulent deduction possible so they don't have to pay the full amount. Whereas with poor people, most of the time they are paying out the max and getting the standard deduction. Or in the case of normal home owning Americans, they get the minimal deductions because they don't have the money to spend on a CPA and the amount of crap to tinker with.

So that leads me to believe, a flat tax without deductions would make more sense. Again, pure speculation. I was trying to understand Herman Cain's 999 triple flat tax deal. There would be a 9.1% income tax with no deductions (maybe one for kids but I think it's only charitable donations), a 9.1% employer tax (so it would affect businesses, not individuals right?), and a 9.1% federal sales tax. I'm leaving the income alone because it made sense and the employer tax is already being paid, so no sweat. If I'm wrong, please help me understand these.

I've heard people arguing that the poor pay a higher percentage of their income on new products/services so they would be adversely affected because there would be a tax they never had on all of it. I heard him say that they would start buying used more often to compensate. That's just kinda rude, but fine, I'll work with that. Does that mean there will still be a state/city/county tax on everything too? That'll get excessive really quickly.

But what about Alcohol, Tobacco, Printed Materials (Newspapers, Books and Magazines) and Gasoline? Don't those have different taxes than the rest? I thought gas had a built in tax. Would that go down? And if that's the case, would the gas companies just take advantage of the sudden drop and raise it back up to where everyone was used to paying to make a bigger profit? I know alcohol had a higher tax, like 20% versus the state/city tax on food back when I was bartending. I assumed part of that was a federal tax. Again, would it go down? Tobacco is also part of that whole Sin Tax crap. Would the tax on cigarettes go down? Again helping the tobacco company regain customers who didn't quit because of health but for cost. If they begin taxing Newspapers, won't that just tank a dying industry?

It all just seems to have a bunch of negatives when I thought it sounded like the ideal solution. Please break it down for me if you can.

After I published it I started thinking about other businesses that would be affected. New homes and new cars. Would home builders start renting the houses for a month prior to selling to avoid the sales tax? Cars probably won't feel much more of a crunch seeing that they're already suffering, but like newspapers, it seems they'd be tanked by this action too.

Random Perspectives

2011-10-18T08:15:00.000-05:00

I was listening to the radio yesterday when a DJ was giving a Mexican caller a hard time about his song request. The guy asked for a song buy LFMOA. The DJ of course tries to break that down "Laughing Effing My Off Ass." the caller just laughs, obviously not getting it as the DJ announces LMFAO "Sexy and I know it." (seen below)

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but what's life without risk? When I was a teenager and AOL Chat Rooms and IMs were huge (not saying they aren't still, I just haven't used them since I got a steady girl friend somwhere in my late teens.) I hated the abbreviations. You know, LOL = Laugh Out Loud, etc. It wasn't that I couldn't remember most of them, it just got too complicated the more letters you strung together. Nonetheless, I used them every time. However, BRB was the one that tripped me up.

You'd be IMing someone and they'd BRB you to hold the conversation for a sec. I always thought BRB was "Bathroom Break." That works right? Nope, it's Be Right Back. Fine, so maybe I shouldn't have laughed at the little illegal with his jumbling of "Laughing My Effing Ass Off."

The song he requested is a song I really enjoy. The beat is fun and fast. Kinda reminds me of a Prodigy pop song. The lyrics however made me cringe. I always picture the douchy cast of Jersey Shore. With lyrics talking about walking in room and everyone stopping and staring cause he's sexy and he knows it, look at that body, he works out. Is it any surprise that those douche bags pop in my head?

Well, for this post, I decided to Youtube their video. Holy hell it was funny. SOOOOO happy to learn they aren't taking themselves seriously.

Also, there is a section that repeats the word Wiggle. This is straight up from Yo Gabba Gabba. Do the wiggle dance!

Enjoy it.

LMFAO

Yo Gabba Gabba

Happy 400th to Me!

2011-10-16T14:37:00.000-05:00

Blogger shows that I've published 399 posts, so this is number 400! Apparently I have a lot of bs out there in the world

I think back about how many posts that I began and scrapped because the ideas didn't fully evolve or the topic was stale after 24 hours. Let's face it, I'm not breaking any news on this bad boy, but if I'm talking about something that happened a week ago, I might as well move on because a million others have trampled it to death.

I've contemplated many different directions to take this blog over the past couple years. Nothing really resonates strongly enough beyond just putting my random thoughts out there. I read about a dozen blogs religiously. A good majority of them are humor blogs, fewer are tech/web/news type of blogs. I am drawn to them for a reason and would love to be able to twist my thoughts into the continuous laugh fests they seem to produce. Sadly, I have a much more subtle or indistinguishable humor.

So I lean on work and my family at ton for inspiration. That keeps this more like a journal than anything. So since we're about to have triplets in addition to our two little hellians, I guess I should stick to what I know. Every once and a great while, I'll drop my wife and kids' names, but I'd always been paranoid about creepy web stalker crap. Really, I don't think it's as big of an issue, so let me introduce you to the fam.

So rarely do you find a picture of all four of us!

My beautiful wife, Tina, almost 18 weeks pregnant with our triplets.

Berlin, almost 3 years old.

Declan, 15 months old.

For those of you who do read my little updates to the world, thank you. For those of you yet to stumble upon it, I hope to see you soon!

Makin' Babies

2011-10-10T12:36:00.000-05:00

I have several friends who have struggled with fertility issues trying to start a family. One of my wife's old coworkers went all the way to India to have a treatment done that supposedly, even with the air fare, was cheaper than having it done in The States. A couple have taken the fertility drugs and another set have had artificial insemination. My wife's aunt couldn't conceive, so she adopted some wonderful children (now adults).

All of this makes me feel awkward announcing the joy of triplets after two other kids. This was 100% natural. In fact, it's scary how easy this has been for us. Which is probably why there is a twinge of guilt involved.

With our first, we had only been married five months before my wife went off birth control. We figured it would take awhile to conceive. You know, drugs have to leave the system an all. The whole routine needs to be auto corrected in her body and what not. Well we were wrong. Very wrong. She had one period after she went off the NuvaRing. The next month she had a surgery scheduled down there for something she had to take care of. The day she went in, standard practice, they did a pregnancy test. She was only 4 weeks along. We knew before the typical panic of "oops, I missed my period" even hit.

Because she breastfed our daughter for a year, we chose not to do birth control for her so her milk production wouldn't be affected. That means I threw on a jimmy cap every time we went to town. I remember the day I was in the mood, but wasn't in the mood for protection. I mean seriously, condoms suck and when you're married they are even worse! Just over a month later, about a week after my daughter's one year birthday, she missed and panicked. Yep, that pregnancy test came back positive.

You know what they say about the best laid plans. We wanted 2 years between pregnancies. So much for that.

At this point, I should know better than being selfish with our extra curricular activities. We had a scare at the beginning of the summer when another test had to be used. I was so happy that came back negative. It's not that I dont' want more kids, I just need more time to let the ones I already have to grow up. But when libido is involved, well let's just say that nature has a way of ensuring chemistry and primal urges align.

One afternoon the kids were down for a nap and I was lucky she was in the mood. First our daughter woke up early. This was not going to stop me, I could put on some Dora the Explorer in the living room and have at least half an hour to ourselves. As my greedy little plan was coming together, our son decided to wake up early as well. Not to be deterred, I busted out the play pen and locked him in front of another electronic baby sitter. We jumped in the shower and had some of the best sex in years!

This my friends is where karma is a bitch. The forces of the universe were trying to prevent the impending doom but I wouldn't hear any of it! A month later we're chillin' on the couch talking about our new nephew who was born that morning. You know, cause we're not the only ones making babies. She says "so I took a test today." Naive little me thought she was talking about some cheesy Cosmo or email forward joke test. I said "how'd you score?" "Positive," she said. "Huh?"

I hate to admit it, but my stomach turned. Like I said, it's not that I didn't want more kids eventually, but holy crap, three within three years is a bit much. Fast forward a month to when she told me we are having triplets and five kids in three years becomes the biggest cosmic joke ever!

Am I happy we are fertile, of course. Should I curtail my joy in front of those less fortunate? Probably. But then again, who doesn't love babies?

Occupy What?

2011-10-07T16:12:00.000-05:00

Occupy Wall Street and my own city's spin off, Occupy Austin have me a bit confused. I get that people are upset by the giant corporations and wealthy people being wealthy and presumably getting tax breaks. I get that Greed is NOT Good. But what exactly is the point? United front, sure, but what's the goal? Socialism? Because banks and wealthy people aren't going to change because a bunch of broke people don't like them. They might turn this into a money making marketing ploy. But that's kinda what got them here to begin with.

The motto for Austin is "Keep Austin Weird." There are obvious plays on the fact that we're a "green enthusiastic" city and have a bunch of hippies and hipsters who think they are original and system bucking individuals. But at its core it is about buying local and supporting small independent businesses. The funny thing is, most of those small businesses would sell out or gladly become giant corporations if the opportunity presented itself.

That's is the key to ending the corporate greed stranglehold into which we've found/willingly led ourselves. The folks being interviewed at the local protest were people who "were taken advantaged of" by banks with their 0% interest mortgage loans with explosive increases afterward. Others claimed to be hard working folks who couldn't make ends meet. You know the 99% of us Americans who aren't wealthy.

What I want to ask is, how many of them are willing to stop shopping at places like Walmart and buy local, American made products at a premium? How bout Hollywood or the NFL? Those folks make a fortune off of us and who protests then? THEY DO! Do you think people will turn their TVs off? Everything could go back to the farm days when you lived on what you produced, that'd kill corporate greed.

I also want to know how many of the mortgage foreclosure "victims" actually took any action toward refinancing before their revolving interest rate kicked in. I know the people who rent cars from my locations don't read the simple contract they sign, let alone the terms and conditions that goes along with it. I can't imagine them reading, let alone understanding a mortgage.

At some point people have to take responsibility for decisions and actions they make and do. You can't cry fraud when you didn't do your part. I rent a home, if I don't pay my rent, I get evicted that month! If you don't pay your mortgage, you get to live rent free for many times over a year! That's worth protesting.

But fine, if we must blame someone for our money woes, how bout we point the finger at the oil speculators in 2008. When they doubled the price of gas and shut entire businesses and industries down with their greed, hundreds of thousands of people were laid off. This affected every single job place.

I'm not saying I don't want more money in life or that we should ignore shady crap that wealthy people do, but staging a protest with no way to judge the amount of change you're making is pointless. At least when idiots from unions protest they get something, even if it's two steps back from where they started. They are told that it's a good thing and everyone goes home with a false sense of accomplishment. What will come of occupying anything with no agenda?

Bang Bang Bang, Vamanos Vamanos

2011-10-06T13:09:00.000-05:00

Having a super busy week and stressing about all that's going on in my life right now. Triplets on the way plus my wife and two children as a single income family is weighing heavy on me. So here's one of my faves.

Clutch - Electric Worry

Rock out the anxiety!

Halloween Costumes

2011-10-02T15:06:00.000-05:00

Typically we try to coordinate Halloween Costumes, when we were a couple and now that we're a family, you know because we're cute and cliche like that. Last year we didn't quite pull it off, so it was Father-Daughter pair and Mother-Son pair. I was Lex Luther and my daughter was Super Girl. My wife was the wicked witch of the west and my son was a flying monkey.

This year I'm on the hunt for pieces of our costumes. My daughter wants to be a princess, cause what nearly 3 year old doesn't? So to fulfil her desires and keep me out of a beast costume and my wife from being shoved into a giant teapot, we're going to let her be Princess Toadstool from Super Mario Brothers!

I'll be Luigi and my wife who'll be giantly pregnant by the end of the month will be Mario. Ours is entirely contingent on finding a little dinosaur costume so my son can be Yoshi. Shouldn't be impossible. Then again, if I find a giant mushroom costume, bam, he's in!

My daughter gets to just be a pink princess, there's not a whole lot of restrictions as most people won't recall what she looked like...you know the whole point of the game and all.

Gots to get us some overalls and bushy mustaches yo!

Yup, that'd be Mario riding Yoshi.

In the Oedipal reincarnation that's my wife on my son.

Shame on us.

We're having Triplets

2011-09-27T15:39:00.002-05:00

No, that title wasn't just to grab your attention. We really are having triplets.

Most people I've told, I start with "Tina (wife) is pregnant again." They do the normal reaction, be it "OMG, you guys are having more? One of each wasn't enough?" or it's "OMG how are you going to afford it?" or the preferred is "Oh wow, congratulations!" Then I get to come back with "Oh wait, there's more." Which many say, "TWINS????" It's when I say the word triplets that every single person has said "you're joking, no way." Why would I make that up? It's not really that funny...unless you're on the outside, then everyone gets to laugh cause they're glad it isn't them.

So because the next question after the shock and condolences are offered is, "well, were you guys doing fertility stuff?" I've streamlined my responses at this point, "Nope, we did this the old fashioned way."

So then starts the questions about any pregnancy, when is she due, what are you having etc. Then they start asking about how she's doing, you know cause family and friends care.

I can tell you this, now that she's 15 weeks along, I'm comfortable talking about it here. It took me a week or so before I was telling people about them. Tina didn't start sharing until a week or so ago. Well, family knew, but the rest of the world is just finding out. She's still scared, which is understandable, so she wasn't in the bragging stage like I was.

We knew she was pregnant at 5 weeks, cause after two kids you just don't do the college panic and call all your friends to ask for moral support before you take your test. Yes I'm speaking from experience. My best friend was a girl in high school and college and frankly it seemed every month she'd need a test only to start the next day. She went to the doctor's at 8 weeks to confirm and do all the normal stuff. I stayed at home with the kids. I know it sounds cold, but I don't need to hear the heartbeat for the first time to feel a connection. Besides chasing a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old around a waiting room isn't my idea of wise parenting.

She'd been gone for a couple hours when she text me the following:

When you go to the doctor about your pregnancy, the last thing you need to text your husband is "We'll talk when I get home!!" I assumed we'd lost the baby. Why else would it take so long AND have a text like that?

She calls an hour and a half later and is on her way home. After worrying the whole time I said "No matter how emotional it is, you just need to spit it out." She says "It's triplets." I said "Don't fuck with me, Tina, what's wrong?" She said "No, there's three." I couldn't speak. I said "I'll talk to you when you get home."

Yep, a wife always knows huh? I'll erase this post and deny all knowledge of that statement if you put me under oath.

Well there you have it. Sometime between the 3rd week of January and the 2nd week of February we'll go from 2 children to 5. We just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. You'd think the were a long string of Irish twins at this rate. Our cat will never know what hit him.

I'm not just an Alibi

2011-09-22T09:41:00.001-05:00

Bout to explain some drama that has nothing to do with me, I promise there's a point. Well, there's at least a point where I bring the topic back to me and how it affected me. Cause isn't that the point of everything, to talk about me? Yes, thank you for agreeing with me.

One of my contractors and I have become close friends over the last four years we've been working together. He's gone through sort of a life overhaul the past year. The first major move, aside from moving back across the country to work for me again, was getting rid of his nine-year-boyfriend. He spent the better part of that nine years carrying the emotional and financial weight of that relationship. I definitely supported this decision as, the punk was just lazy (no joke, wouldn't work more than a couple hours a week max) and had serious conflicts about his homosexuality and thus made their relationship remain closeted the entire time. How do you every grow as a couple when you're not allowed to be a couple outside of your home? But That's not the point, so I'll move on.

My friend found a new fixation. Yes as typical of long term relationships fizzling out, he found someone new prior to the break up. Tsk, tsk. This new guy still has another man in his life. Queue the gay soap opera theme music. Now the new boy works for my friend, meaning I now work with him. I don't really have an issue with the new guy. He and his crew have made my friend much more out and proud than he'd ever been before. It's been good for him to really come out and accept himself too. That said, it's been six months and the new guy's other guy is still in the picture. So that makes my friend the mistress right?

Well, he met another dude online recently. He told his...wait, what do you call a mistress's man? Is he the mister? Surely he's not just a boyfriend? In this case he's definitely not a sugar daddy which at this point my friend was/is one for his ex even though the ex was a couple years older than him. Doormat. Oops, did I just say that?

So the story he told his f**k buddy, yeah, that sounds better, about who this online guy was believable. He wanted to lessen the suspicion about why this guy would text him and whatnot. The f-buddy and his boyfriend are nosy...funny that my friend has to deal, daily, with other man...I'd call it karma, but the f-buddy isn't being affected, so it's not quite universal balance. Again, I digress. The problem with the story, is I was present when the lie was told, so I didn't actually realize the truth (online=truth; a customer from the university=lie). So we'd been talking about missed hook ups with this guy for weeks, and I really didn't get it....I knew he was hiding it from the f-buddy, but not that they'd never met.

Here's where it starts coming back to me. Once I asked the right questions to get my friend to say "oh shit, I didn't realize you'd only heard the lie...that explains why you've been less than helpful every time I've asked for advice about "Online Boy." Well, duh, I thought it was just a really pushy customer who liked you, not someone you've been pursuing. They'd been having a hard time meeting because f-buddy is very intrusive, just like a boyfriend without most of the benefits. Lots of apologies later I offered a solution. I invited my friend to go see another one of my friend's bands play downtown. They could meet up for a date and catch up with me later and bam we gots cover right?

Well, a cheater never trusts his partner because well they must be a cheater too right? F-Buddy told him he wasn't going downtown alone...what am I, chopped liver...they're all going with? So instead of having a couple of gay guys accompany me to a hard rock show in a dirty dive bar, I was going to have an entourage! Fine, should be fun.

Well, this means that my friend and online boy still need to meet. I was asked to be the alibi. Sure whatever. I texted him to invite him out for drinks and he accepted. The cover would be that I originally invited him because we haven't gone out in forever and while the whole crew would be fun, I'd like to actually just spend some quality time with my friend.

Now here's where the "best" laid plans go awry. My daughter hid my phone from me that night. I missed the text saying that he'd been stood up. Online boy no showed. We could have had a conversation prior but that didn't happen. The next day he'd given me the low down via text but because he was working with f-buddy, he didn't get to talk. I show up that afternoon and find out that because I stood him up last night...which of course is what he told f-buddy who was texting every 5 minutes of the evening because cheaters trust no one yeah? Again, digression, I stood him up, so they're all bailing on me.

Admittedly, my friend wouldn't have normally come with me to a rock show but we were utilizing the opportunity. So him not coming shouldn't hurt my feelings but it did a little. But then I found out he was at the restaurant waiting for online boy for an hour. Because f-buddy was texting the whole time like a goddam suspicious parent, he knew "I" didn't let him know I wasn't coming until an hour after I was supposed to be there. My friend was stood up and that sucks. Made him want to make f-buddy really work now, so that's good. F-buddy has to dump his other guy though soon for it to work.

But now I'm a total asshole. Who the hell stands his friend up and doesn't tell him he's not coming until he's been waiting an hour? I'm not a flake! But as the alibi, I have to be the jerk. I've been defamed and it pisses me off! I'm sorry my friend was stood up, but don't make me an total douche as well.

I guess it's good that he sucks at lying and that's why he followed my instructions to just make what ever online boy did, what I did. Meaning of course, if they drank wine, "we" drank wine, ya know? Not if he stood you up, I stood you up!

So I was defamed and dejected all for nothing I did. CHEATERS NEVER WIN! But apparently neither do their co-conspirators. He's since apologized repeatedly and it's all going to be OK, because f-buddy can think I'm an ass and I still will be around, but I will never block for him again. Don't screw your friends over, they're far more important than a partner who won't even make your relationship monogamous!

When You Don't Have Anything to Say

2011-09-16T09:56:00.002-05:00

I'm completely guilty of this, so don't think I'm on a pedestal or soap box.

The store I office out of is in a very large shopping center. The past month the landlords have had a crew out working on the parking lot on the North side of the complex. They are doing the best job I've ever seen a parking lot redone. They are actually breaking the ground and removing the asphalt and the top layer of concrete below it. Then are relaying new asphalt. Normally, I've seen patches done and restriping and that's the extent of the improvement.

Well they are ahead of schedule and have begun doing the area behind our building and are about to break ground out front. As a car rental facility that has 20+ cars regularly, parking is at a premium, let alone the fact that the area where they clean vehicles is not accessible. Bottom line, it's a pain in the ass.

So every day the store operator has moaned and groaned about the work. I've listened to him talk to the transfer drivers and customers saying "I can't wait until they are done." "This is such a pain," etc. Nothing just over the top, but negative all the same.

This summer has been the worst heat conditions on record. Nearly every day since May (with a small handful of exceptions) it's been over 100 degrees outside. This is the typical go to gripe/topic of conversation. Again, just negativity.

It struck me yesterday that small talk has dwindled to nothing but complaining and the weather. I know the weather is the universal idle chit chat. So I'm not surprised, nor am I innocent of failing to rising above it. I just seems that it's the poor approach to life.

While cracking wise about someone or something's stupidity and many times insane audacity is funny and an easy topic, I wonder if it would be worth it to always try to focus on the positive. Then again, I hear people say, "she's always so bubbly, I just want to smack her."

So what's the happy medium? If you talk about how great things are going, like the fact that I'm currently showing the best numbers of my career regarding sales and profit in my district, I'd sound like a braggart.

Does it say something about my mental health and that of others that we prefer to dwell on the negative instead of focusing on the positive? Or, as I've been known to say like the asshole that I am, "I'm just a realist?"

How do you remain positive, or do you just stick to making jokes about the crap you see everywhere?

Anti Harassment Training

2011-09-14T16:12:00.001-05:00

Time has come to recertify for our company's Anti Sexual Harassment policy. I have to watch a video training about all the aspects of harassment. Afterward I have a test to take and an acknowledgement to sign. It's the same video every year. I realize they can't spend a fortune to revamp this every year, but surely there are ways to make it more relevant annually. Just making me watch a video and regurgitate answers about the scenarios seems pointless.

Does your company have an innovative approach or do you get the same doldrums of "he said, she said."

What's an hour and a half of my life each year right?

Remembering 9/11

2011-09-11T23:20:00.001-05:00

I watched the ceremonies for the September 11th attacks tenth anniversary. We surfed between stations to get all the different ones for NYC, DC and Pennsylvania. The one in NYC where victims' family members read the names of all the victims of the attacks was powerful. I got very emotional this morning. Probably also why I flipped to the other two periodically.

It brought back to the forefront of my mind what made the two towers so special and why their significance was greater than other targets they could have chosen. There were people of all race, age, wealth, nationality, gender and sexuality taken that day. Seeing their sons and daughters, husbands and wives, sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers, life partners and friends and even god parents and in-laws really made it sink in how diverse the group was. It was a giant cross section of America and it's influences housed in one building.

I've visited NYC a few times since the attacks as well as Shanksville, PA. I've never been to DC but it's top of my list for next adventures. When I was in PA, they still had the temporary memorial in place. The last time I was in New York, ground zero was still a giant construction hole. It looks like they've done some incredible work to all three locations.

Looking at Facebook and Twitter today, it's clear this event still brings the country together. So impressive and inspiring.

Fires to the Left of Me & Fires to the Right, Here I Am...

2011-09-06T08:38:00.000-05:00

Sunday marked the 80th consecutive day where temperatures reached 100* or more. That's not including the better portion of May over 100 either. We've had minimal rain here in Central Texas (minimal meaning it's sprinkled a couple times throughout the entire summer...we're remarkably down from normal) even the lakes and rivers are nearly dry. As you can imagine, our lawns aren't exactly lush green pastures right about now. If they are, that's a jerk who has chosen to ignore the water restrictions because he matters more than everyone else.

So yesterday was our first break. It only got to 95*. Sigh of relief? Oh hell no. Fires have been taking out chunks of the freeway meadows (not sure what else to call them) for a month now. Sunday massive fires broke out in Leander (NW suburb) and Bastrop (SE suburb) and a couple other places within an hour's drive.

The crew I managed a few years ago at our airport facility consists of primarily retired citizens. They drive our cars around town part time just to keep themselves busy and we're grateful for the cheaper labor. A large majority of these folks live in the Bastrop area. It's unfortunately the area that is still on fire two days later. Six of them have confirmed their house is gone. I haven't heard from another. There are a handful of other friends in the area who lost land, but not structure. My friends in Leander seem to be OK.

I drive past this weekly!

These are still burning! FEMA will be in tomorrow, but I'm not sure what they do, nor when the fire's will be under control. I'm flabbergasted. Maybe I'm just naive, but wouldn't you think a major city like Austin would have plans in place for this kind of disaster?

We've been working with our HR department to get a fund set up to help our folks who have lost their homes. I was really impressed at how compliant they were to assist us. They aren't always great about thinking outside the box. Then again, they are in New Jersey, so maybe charity after 9/11 changed their tune.

Please keep these folks in your thoughts and prayers if you got em.

Yahoo Hack Attack

2011-09-05T15:00:00.000-05:00

I opened up a Yahoo mail account my senior year of high school. That's nearly 13 years ago! Back then I had a password that had to be reset and I kept the preordained password they assigned to me ever since. I remember this wasn't the first, but they all had this odd pattern.

For nearly 12 years my yahoo password was flexibleearth12. I recall another one they gave me (well almost, don't recall the numbers) it was silverbed##. They just paired two randomish words together and slapped a couple numbers at the end.

I didn't mind typing out that long of a password and don't know why it never occurred to me to change it and be uniform with my other go to password with the slight variation. You know you do it too, so don't give me that look.

So Friday I received a couple of spammy emails from myself. I opened up my Yahoo mail on my iPhone and had dozens of Mailer Demons and various bounce back responses. Dammit, I was hacked...again!

Earlier that day, I'd logged off my company VPN and then remembered I needed to forward something to myself to work on later. I just pulled up yahoo...much faster than logging back in, right? It rejected my password twice and I didn't think it was odd, I just figured I fat fingered it or something innocent. Nope, I must have mistyped mail.yahoo.com somehow and got to a phishing site.

So this is the second time this year I've been hacked. For 12 years, I've had flexibleearth12 and a few months ago, Yahoo blocked me out of my phone and sent me a message to log in online and correct my account as they'd detected a hack. Guess they missed this one!

So now I'm back up and running. I know I have sent emails from my personal account to all sorts of people. Professors, employees, employers, friends, family, craigslisters, businesses and everyone in between. It appears they spammed Canadian pharmacy websites to everyone I've ever emailed. Including people in all of the aforementioned categories...even those with "former" linked to it. I wonder what goes through their mind...you know especially those I've fired or fucked (both figuratively and physically). Ah well, such is life in our wired world laden with what I deem as terrorists.

Media Seeps in Everywhere

2011-09-02T08:56:00.000-05:00

My wife says "Bedtime for Bonzo" all the time, well specifically at night and usually to the kids, but still. I'd never known where it came from but didn't put much stock in it either. Then last night one of my friends put it on their Facebook status. OK, so the nerd in me had to ask where it came from. She said her dad always said it to her. That same nerd in me made me look it up because that random of nonsense is just not coincidence.

Lo and behold!

Yep, that's Ronald Reagan starring with a Chimpanzee. Must have been a true career high.

A couple quick review skims and it seems it's not as gawdawful as I imagined it would be.

Happy Friday!

NEVER GOOGLE SKIN CANCER...scary looking shit man, no joke!

2011-08-27T01:07:00.000-05:00

I feel like an retired old man right now, I'm about to talk about a medical condition in great detail. OK, so it's not bodily fluids (brief bleeding aside) or genital talk or anything, so you'll survive.

Almost a year ago, I busted my elbow on something, I don't really recall. I got a nice little scab and didn't think twice about it. A few days later, I nailed it again. We're talking funny bone area here, so not the greatest feeling, but again, I don't recall much about it. The following few weeks, I must have busted the scab at least a dozen times. You'd think that by 31 I'd be fairly self aware, but it turns out my elbow has borrowed Harry Potter's invisibility cloak or something, cause I don't seem to have full awareness of its existence.

So I don't know at what point I really noticed something was odd but by January, I was dealing with a bump on my elbow where the scar once had been. I don't know what my deal was at that point, but I scratched it back into a scab and then went through another couple weeks of busting them back open.

A month or so following the bump started growing. It kinda reminded me of a wart at first. I've never had one, so I'm going solely on my perception of witches noses and toads left over from childhood. It was kinda weird and as the heat started rising in Spring, I began wearing short sleeves again. Band Aids with Neosporin worked out alright except I still wasn't actually aware my elbow existed when it came to arm articulations. I'd catch them on everything and have that sexy black ring around the area where the adhesive rubbed against god knows what.

So I needed something sturdier. Corn pads! That'll dry it up AND give it better protection, right? Ever bought or used these things? QUITE CREEPY TO HAVE ON YOUR ELBOW, now that I think about it. They're like a quarter inch thick and have a hollow center where a medicated pad fits over the lump. Kinda like a hemorrhoid donut for what should be your foot, but in my case, my elbow.

The top started to dry up and turn black. Skin shouldn't turn black unless a tattoo, latex or some other substance has been applied. So I chose to alternate days. Corn Pad, Air it out, Neosporin Band Aid, Repeat. On the air it out days at least four over the the few weeks I repeated, I busted it on the car door and bled all over the place.

So here's the best description I can give of what Neosporin did to it. Ever see a Star Nose Mole? Here's one.

Yep, that's what this began to look like. It's like each cell on my elbow decided to grow into a tower away from my body. Not that long or anything totally gross, but enough that this was the image in my head. Followed by OH MY GOD, people have to think I have leprosy or something! Who can't see this bump on my elbow? I mean really, isn't that the first thing you see on someone? Then their shoes and eyes right?

So we're well into summer at this point and my wife schedules me an appointment with a dermatologist. Yeah, so apparently this is a high demand field (I guess since skin cancer is the number one fatal cancer, it should be) because they booked me a month and a half out. Yeah, so I have work meeting in Houston the same day. I canceled and requested another appointment, maybe a few days before? You know, cause they have cancellations and whatnot right? The receptionist laughed in her email response. Seriously, typed HAHAHAHA followed by, we can reschedule for October. I replied I'm positive it's cancer so fuck you very much too. She didn't respond.

I set up an appointment with my normal doc, who is also very over booked. Three weeks. I guess back to school hits him pretty hard...in a good way. Maybe he took a vacation. It's not like I see him often, so who knows.

Somewhere between the dermie appointment and cancellation, one of my employees told me they'd had something that looked just like it removed from their forearm and it WAS cancer. That's the only reason I've gone down this road. I'm basing my medical advice on that of a 65 year old who surely wouldn't steer me wrong. Cause no one that old isn't practically Jesus right?

So tonight I decided to look it up because it has begun to hurt over the past week. Stab me in the eyeballs and dump bleach in the sockets. Google Image Searching "skin cancer" is horrific. Lesions EVERYWHERE. Boobs half gone. Faces Hollywood couldn't design! GAHROSS!

Here ya go!

I know, I'm sorry. There are hundreds more, but I couldn't, yeah.

So, since WebMD was no help, I'm appealing to you, please tell me what this is!

Side note: It's astonishingly difficult to photograph your own elbow with an crappy old iPhone.

Kinda looks like a hairy boob.

It's all crusty and craggy like an alien planet now. If you made it through this post without bailing or being totally grossed out, I commend you and would highly recommend visiting your local nursing home. They'd love to tell you all about their recent trip to the bathroom for sure!

I don't think I'm a Racist, I think I'm a Realist

2011-08-23T22:13:00.000-05:00

Nivea apologizing for their recent ad featuring a black man cleaning up his appearance and "re-civilizing" himself sparked a Twitter convo with a guy that irritated me. (Link)

I said:

@ R U Kidding? Look beyond the skin color! Unkempt vs Clean. NOT Racist! RT @mashable Nivea Pulls "Re-civilized" Ad

@thespianJK Said:

@Dornage Nivea said nothing abt white guy being "re-civilized". They just told him to look like he gives a damn.

I said:
@thespianJK Oh, I see what u r saying. But still. The Look Like You Give A Damn is their new catch phrase. Way overthinking in my opinion.

@thespianJK said:

@Dornage "Sin City isn't an excuse to look like hell" - white Nivea ad. "Re-civilize yourself" - black Nivea ad. It's the "civilize" part.

I said:

@thespianJK So had it been a stoner white boy with dreads it would have been ok right? Gotta quit focusing on race at some point.

@thespianJK Said:

@Dornage No I don't. Not when it comes to things like this hinting at a stereotype of black men being savages and white men being polished.

@thespianJK Said:

@Dornage And the stoner with dreads would have been cause for question as that is associated with a black hairstyle.

@thespianJK Said:

@Dornage Nivea should be a little bit more sensitive to things like this.

I said:

@thespianJK I disagree. Respect is one thing. But fear of offending will only lead to people being fake all the time.

I said:
@thespianJK I disagree. Respect is one thing. But fear of offending will only lead to people being fake all the time.

Here's the deal: I don't believe in Gay Rights, Straight Rights, Black Rights, White Rights, Men's Rights nor Women's Rights. Everyone is human. You should respect them equally. Unless of course they're your Boss, Parent, President or Spouse...then you'll probably have to kiss a little ass.

Goodnight Moon

2011-08-21T23:19:00.000-05:00

I forget sometimes my daughter is only 2. She amazes me daily with how bright she is. No I'm under no delusion that other parents don't think the same thing about their children. I sure hope they do and I hope they tell them so daily!

I'd been away from my family for a full week. They were up visiting in Oklahoma while I went back to work and enjoyed a week of bachelorhood. When I arrived on Saturday evening both of my kids were very excited to see me. My son just wanted to be held and my daughter told me "Daddy, you were gone a very long time back at our home in Texas. I'm very happy I found you again." Just made my world!

So tonight we were doing the nightly routine for bed and she needed her final book which is always Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. Admittedly, this book has become purely bittersweet. She absolutely will not let me get away with not reading it but when it's time to read it she pitches a fit because she doesn't want it to ever end. We started it when she was about 16 months old. She'd always anticipate "The Little Toy House." I'm not sure when that went away but when she was about two and a half the new obsession became the fact that "The Red Balloon" would disappear from the room on certain pages. Then it would suddenly reappear. "I found it!" She'd proclaim.

I remember when she was about two we'd lost the book in the house somewhere and my wife and I recited it in unison as an alternative to the real deal. She clapped and told us "good job, guys." That was the only time it was acceptable. Since then if she suspects I'm just reciting it she says, "No Daddy, you have to read it." I tell her I am and she grabs my hand and says "no, your fingers have to point to the words." Ain't no foolin' this one!

So tonight as we're wrapping up, I can't find the book but I know her Gigi has an older version on the book shelf. It's a paper back, not a hardback board book style. "No, little one Daddy." I explained I don't know where it is but this one will tell the same story, it's just bigger and paperback. "No Daddy, we need to go back to our home in Texas and get my little Good Night Moon."

This kid may love her family SOOO much, but she's ready for her own place with all the familiarity of home. Gotta love it. I told her we'd go back on Tuesday, only two more days. She replied "No Daddy, no more days, we need to go back to Texas on Sunday."

Yep, that's all folks this kid has made up her mind, we belong in Texas where her bed has pink pillow cases and Goodnight Moon is small and Daddy doesn't go away forever and ever.

In case you need a reminder of how it goes!

I recorded a ton of her books so my wife could show them to her that way she'd still have some semblance to our routine. I don't think it ever worked out for her. Apparently both the kids were fascinated that it was my voice on the computer though. And after uploading these, I realized I missed an opportunity to practice the readings after recording. Sometimes you just don't know until you hear yourself though.

When the Cat's Away, the Mice Will Play. Oh, and Do Housework

2011-08-18T18:01:00.000-05:00

I took my family up to visit relatives last weekend. I came back on Sunday by myself. I'm going back for them on Saturday and going to spend a couple days there myself reconnecting with friends. 500 miles each way is so worth the freedom though.

I'm not saying I don't miss my kiddos and wife, but the reality is I haven't been alone for a week in almost a decade. Yes I've gone out a couple times with friends but nothing extravagant, just some beers at the bar down the street. It's been cool.

My original intent was to do a giant chunk of the ubiquitous honey do list. Really all I've done is picked up the house and done all the laundry. But still. The first day that I ran 6 loads of laundry and folded it all I was like, "what the hell does my wife do all day?" Feeling all proud of myself. Then it occurred to me that I couldn't have done this much with the rugrats around either. In fact, the living room that I'd also picked up would have been a disaster within minutes too. Oh and the next day when I got the kitchen cleaned up? Yeah, then it occurred to me that the living room and kitchen are two areas I clean every day any way. Hmmm. Not feeling nearly as productive as I had. Maybe I'll tackle the rest of the shelves I was supposed to hang in the bedroom a month ago. Maybe I'll call my buddy for a beer.

Yep, I'm lazy with or without the stress of children. Though a queen size bed without four bodies is un-freaking-believably awesome. Highly recommend it to all parents. Separate bedroom for each of you to sneak to after the kids have joined you is definitely an investment worth considering!

Latest iPhone Game Addiction

2011-08-15T20:25:00.003-05:00

I find there isn't enough time in the day yet amazingly I still find time to post on Facebook, Twitter, occasionally this blog and play three games regularly on my phone. I'd say it's a priority issue but really it's more an outlet for my ADD. With that unapologetic and BS rationalization for being a total lazy ass, here's my newest find that I can't put down.

It's called Tiny Tower. It's created by Nimblebit. I have also played Sky Burger that they've created and like most game apps I've ever downloaded, after a month I became un-enamored and moved on to a new obsessive time waster.

So here's the skinny. You have a skyscraper to build. You build it floor by floor. You have 6 options on the type of floor it will be. Residential, Food, Service, Recreational, Retail and Creative. You build Residences for tiny people called Bitizens. Each bitizen has a unique name and look as well as a "Dream Job" and a 0-9 ranked scale of floor interest. You build the other floor types to provide businesses for your bitizens to work. Creative for example would be a Tattoo Parlor or Photo Studio. Three bitizens can work at a place and ideally you pick those who want to work in that particular industry or score a bonus when you assign someone their dream job! They then stock your business for sales. It cost you time and coins to stock, but you are repaid because Tiny Tower never closes and as your stocked items sell, your bank keeps filling up.

Now, here's some of the obsessive parts, you can earn bonuses for fully stocking a facility. Other bonuses come randomly by being tipped for taking customers up the elevator to their desired floor. You can speed things along by spending bucks, but once your little world begins to grow, there's no need to waste your bucks, they come in handy in other ways like upgrades and what not. You as the gamer have the option of paying actual hard earned dollars from your REAL bank account to get more bucks, but thankfully I'm not that obsessive nor am I an ignorant teenager with access to mommy's wallet.

More obsessions come in the form of dressing up your bitizens. At first it was just cute and mildly entertaining to make each bitizen stand out. Eventually it becomes a necessity as you are occasionally asked to locate a specific bitizen and they all end up looking alike which leads to wasted searching. So a silly hat, the addition or lack of facial hair and crazy costumes become a must to distinguish one varied skin tone and subtle male versus female characteristics apart.

The bigger the tower the more time you spend stocking and the more floors cost but it's all OK, because when you're not there, they're still hard at work for you like good little slaves would be. I mean really, who doesn't need a Shrimp Platter from the Mexican Food and a Cardio Work out from the Health Club at all hours of the night? The food floors take less time to stock, but make you less money because their items fly off the shelves. So that means you want floors with better stuff. That often times means you have to evict the occasional flunky who's dream job is working for a Sky Burger or the Laundromat! Sorry little guys, this game is about me. I'll never miss you Alan Monroe with your yellow goatee and blue baseball cap. Hello Vivian Jones, thank you for aspiring to work at the Glass Studio in your Pirate Costume.

These little bitizens mouths never stop moving...I think there's an oxygen problem or maybe this is waterworld but the DVD rentals don't get damaged. They also never sleep nor sit. There are chairs everywhere but they insist on pacing back and forth like crack heads. Can't really help a customer locked behind a counter though I guess. There's a fun element of humor involved helping bring your bitizens to life by way of a mock Facebook. Bitbook allows the bitizens to be goofy and obscure all while guilting you the player into restocking because "Just had to close the Aquarium, hope I don't lose my job" really hits home you know?

There's help along the way in case you get in over your head or are impatient like everyone else. VIPs come in various forms. A Celebrity will temporarily increase the number of customers purchasing things on your floor. A big spender will buy out an entire product. Delivery men will knock off 3 hours of restocking. (This comes in handy when adding more 3D movies to the cinema.) A Realtor will move a new bitizen in an empty apartment. Also Construction workers will knock off a few hours of new floor construction. But you HAVE to actively play to get the VIPs or you just wait to turn the game back on and eventually your stocking will be completed, items will sell or the floor construction and someone will eventually visit the floor that needs a new resident.

I highly recommend downloading this free app and enjoy playing god with your minion. Though my wife keeps reminding me I'm one step away from Farmville and two steps back from a Tamagotchi. Less than subtle way to say "Dorn, put down your damn phone and pay attention to your family!"

Altitude

2011-08-11T10:30:00.000-05:00

My wife requested some free stickers from a company a few months back. I didn't know what the story was until they arrived. I don't think she did either...strange that she would have gone blindly to a website (directed from a couponing website I'm sure) and given them her address and name, but it is what it is now. She was thinking our daughter would like some stickers and they are free, so why not?

They arrived a couple weeks ago. They will not be in the hands of my daughter. No porn or anything she shouldn't be exposed to but they've piqued my interest, so they're mine now.

They are from a design company in San Francisco called Altitude. Their site has a wide variety of their projects and design capabilities...most of which are very interesting, but they all seem to revolve around the idea of not conforming.

The stickers are part of a defacing property campaign to turn our ideas behind the economy on their ear. Here's the blurb from their site:

What's actually good, or bad for the economy? And why are we always concerned with what's good for the economy, instead of what's good for people? Altitude investigated this concept through a series of posters and stickers distributed in 33 countries and every US state.

The two I received say:

nature is bad for the economy

and

obesity is good for the economy

I've been debating whether to participate. Basically Austin is the perfect town to spread this kind of message, I just have issues with messing with other people's property. After a couple weeks of deliberating, I've decided yes, I will join the cool kids in spreading the message. I'll post some pics later. The idea is to get creative with the placement and send in your work to be shared.

Hansel & Gretel This Was Not

2011-08-09T09:17:00.000-05:00

While out of town a few weeks ago, I received a call from my wife in an utter panicked rage. She opened a preheated oven to cook dinner and found dozens of DVDs and CDs melted on the racks. Our little girl was very naughty it seems.

Firstly, my wife doesn't cook often. She is in charge of weekday breakfast and lunch for her and the kids and that's about the extent of it. So on a day when she has to come up with dinner (not from a drive thru), hiccups are HIGHLY unwelcome.

Here's a dramatic re-staging of the damage.

She'd pulled them out while on the phone with me and was burning her fingers getting them apart. She wanted to know what all was officially lost.

When she called me she said it was about 70 DVDs. I was thinking in their cases and everything. Nope, just the loose ones and it was closer to 25, 35 max. That said, it was all of the kid's favorites including Your Baby Can Read. The latest Harry Potter BluRay, a few of our favorite CDs were all that we lost. The random Disney movies and all of the "on the road entertainment DVDs" are going to be missed and eventually some will need replacing. It's the Your Baby Can Read that sucks the most. Our son is in the middle of his learning experience. Knowing it works means we'll have to replace it.

So, how you might ask did this happen? Well this was a Wednesday evening and I used the oven on Monday, so that leaves all day Tuesday and Wednesday morning. Anytime while it was off she could have loaded it up, without the anticipation that it would be turned on. Yes, we have child safety latches on the thing, but our daughter disabled them months ago.

So, my wife tells me that she should have checked (which I wouldn't have necessarily prior to this incident even though I usually double check the rack placement). Apparently this isn't the first thing to pretend to be supper. She's found baby dolls tucked away like the witch in Hansel and Gretel in the past. Yeah, so pretty much shame on her for not checking, but since the kitchen isn't her domain, I'll give her a pass this time.

Oh, and this of course isn't the first DVD related destruction my daughter has put us through. Eventually we'll learn. Right?

Take aways? Don't leave your DVDs out of their cases. Don't leave anything of value within reach of a toddler, or any size child for that matter. And finally, ALWAYS, ALWAYS open the oven before turning it on!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Change, Time to Make Some Strange...

2011-08-03T21:26:00.000-05:00

We've been reevaluating our lives (money wise especially) recently, as a family, I mean. My wife has been unemployed since June of 2009. Her unemployment wages helped keep us a float for quite some time. The days of living partially on government money have been gone for a while now.

We've had to scrutinize our budget...something we've never really done before.
Cable went away a year ago. With Netflix, I don't even notice it's missing. Along with that was the home phone and frankly aside from a blatant lie from a salesman about how much more we save by bundling, I can't recall why we had one to begin with.

My cell phone contract is up in October. I've had a work cell for nearly 5 years now and again, aside from the novelty of playing games on my phone, I have no reason to have a personal cell.

It's taken some work, but various student loans are entirely manageable now. Well, with the exception of one from Oklahoma that until they began garnishing my wages, I didn't know I had. That's a crappy realization. They want me to pay half down in order to discuss removing the garnishment and setting up a payment plan. They seem to think nothing of the fact that they are crippling me and were anything but fair about the garnishment option. Hello, if you can find my employer after a 24 hour search (time between the judgement and the notification of garnishment), you could have found my address within the 10 years prior (9 1/2 of which weren't at the address you kept sending mail to!).

My wife began couponing like the crazies on TV a few months back. If it weren't for my irrational need to eat produce, meat and dairy NOT FROM A CAN, our grocery bill would be even smaller. That said, we're down to $65 a week for 4 mouths, 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. This was the biggest challenge. I have to admit that I wasn't completely comfortable at first but the amount of free crap you get by doing so is unfathomable! That said, I was super proud of myself this week when I was picking up some yogurt for my lunches this week I scored several these 6 packs of Dannon yogurt for the kids at 9 cents each after coupons! The guy at the register did a double take when he read the amount to me.

So how is it possible? Another thing we'd NEVER done. We plan every meal on Saturday for the Sunday through Saturday following. Our grocery shopping is organized around it. Now, on Sunday when the ads come out in the paper, we augment some meals depending on the deals. I'm not going to lie, I miss my typical spontaneity regarding cooking and on the spot shopping. You know picking up salmon on the way home and throwing together a mango avocado pico with almond apricot couscous. But the brief moments of creativity in the grocery aisle are greatly overshadowed by the decidedly less stressful event of knowing exactly what I'm cooking when I get home. I can't tell you the number of times I'd be stuck in traffic pulling teeth over the phone to find out what my wife wanted me to cook for dinner. Yes you should get the picture now...I'm the cook with lunch time pb&j exceptions.

What is also the biggest change is that we only eat out once a month. This includes my lunches. I'll be honest, I'd usually only spend $3-5 bucks at lunch but then there was the random stopping for something to drink while on the road or the $10 lunch splurges and whatnot. It adds up quickly.

Alcohol was the most recent phase. I can drink me some beer. I'm not going to say alcoholic is a possible description, more like Al Bundy...though I'd never compare myself to him in a million years!

These last few things have had a grand side effect too! I cut soda (diet) out except for rare occasions and had been watching my portions since the beginning of the year. Combine that with the lack of fast food and minimal beer intake and you've got a 35 pound lighter Dorn in your midst. Just think what could happen if I actually exercised on a regular basis.

You know what's more astonishing? Spending time with the kids occupies a lot of time that I'm now not sure how we filled it with as much going out as we did.

Getting back to the whole reevaluation. Because I've always worked toward moving up in companies that require relocation, we're still renting 8 years later. We've paid $1100 a month toward someone else's mortgage every month for the past 5 years. We've looked at buying a house several times but houses we can afford (around the 200K range) are in the ghetto and I'm not doing it.

So we've been kicking around the idea of moving back to our home town of Tulsa, OK for a bit now. Nothing is set, especially since I haven't gotten a job relo or anything. But my brother-in-law bought a home a little smaller than ours for 60K a couple years ago. That right there tells me I could easily find one for around 100K that'd suit our needs and still not be in the ghetto. Not joking when I say that 150K will put you between a crack dealer and a homeless guy in Austin. This isn't NYC for christsakes!

So, now I have to make the real decision. Do I pursue opportunities in Tulsa or should I look for a higher paying job here? I'm marketable within the company, but outside I'm just another name on a resume that doesn't have a masters degree, 20 years of experience and is willing to work for 20K a year in a job landscape that the Ukraine would kill for and we should be ashamed it's in America.

OK, so I'm rambling and just started bashing countries that I have no beef with while wagging my tongue at my own. It's time to call it a day.

Congratulations! You have Broken the Internet.

2011-08-02T11:32:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to expense my hotel stay while I was traveling to Houston. I need a receipt to do so. I went to Hotels.com where I booked it and have been getting no where. It couldn't find it under my account (yes, I'm using the right one...same one I got my confirmation email!) So I searched by my last name. No luck. I then search by my confirmation number (from the email they sent).

Here's what I got!

While I appreciate humor in business, this just pushed an irritable me over the edge!

Shouldn't be this difficult, ever.

WTF Internet Explorer?

2011-07-26T09:20:00.000-05:00

I use Firefox at home because I need constant spell check ability. Whether at home or work (where I have no choice), if I'm on Blogger using Internet Explorer I continue having the same issue. It started a couple months ago. Originally I thought it was linked to my conversion to Windows 7 on the home desktop. But with my work computer, I didn't think I'd upgraded in over a year.

I cannot post a comment on a blog as anything but anonymous. I'll be logged in to blogger to pull up my dashboard like normal. If I read a blog and type a comment it asks me what account I want to post it from. Typically on Firefox it's already chosen or at least has my name on the list, but if not, I just select Google Account and log in no problem. Here lately though it asks me to sign in and still posts me as anonymous. Then it asks me to log in again as anonymous. This cycle doesn't end. I have to actually select anonymous to post any comment.

Anyone else experiencing this? I assume it's an IE setting I just don't know which one to change. Your help is greatly appreciated!

I'm A Hermit Crab No More!

2011-07-22T14:48:00.000-05:00

I've had a long history with this company of being displaced as far as offices go.
I started at the begining of 2007. A few months in, I was brought from a remote office to the distric office originally because my boss needed to keep a closer eye on me. It had nothing to do with performance other than my boss's job kept her in the same place all day. Mine on the other hand is primarily out in the field. Bottom line, if you see me at the area office, I'm not really doing my job. (Probably still working, just not doing what the central focus of my job is.)

The end of 2007 we all got a new bigger boss who was going to be in Austin and not San Antonio like his predecessor. I got kicked out of my office and sent back to the original remote location. New my place in the world that day. Let me just tell you, humble pie tastes like shit.

December of last year we closed that remote office because it was unprofitable. With it went my office. I've been "homeless" for 7 months now. A mobile office and occasionally "borrowing" office space from others has been my life.

I wanted to convert a portion of one of my other locations for an office. It didn't need a ton of work, but the building was so old that the electrical and everything else required to even begin put our tab around ten grand. Yeah, so that didn't fly. I had the option to office in a store in the north suburb of Austin, but that is a 45 minute commute without traffic, hour and a half with.

Finally we settled on redoing another location and it came in under budget. I began moving all of my stuff in a few weeks ago. It was back breaking and had they not just begrudgingly forked over the money for the office, I would have hired movers. I hind sight, I should have and said screw em!

Today I am officially done. Some furniture needed to be replaced (therefore self assembly was a few days of my life). Today I spent the morning when my phone wasn't blowing up doing what I've been trying to accomplish for weeks...finish purging my files and boxes of crap.

It's a nice feeling. The office is organized and how I want it. Truly a happy feeling.

Unprovoked Hostility Scares Me

2011-07-19T11:37:00.001-05:00

I have a few drivers moving our equipment around my territory. I am losing many to college next month and wanted some advice on where to recruit. The last recruiting round was a miserable failure. People openly admitted they wouldn't pass a drug test and declined the job. But hey this is Austin, so some things are to be expected, right?

I called our HR director, with whom I've only had email communication prior. I introduce myself and ask how she's doing and then get to my question about recruiting avenues I have at my avail. She immediately flipped her wig and demanded the who, what, where, when, why, etc. I explained that we were still one head short for the territory and I'm also looking to replace a couple who will be leaving and one no call no show. She begins ripping me a new one about no open requisition requests being in place. Fine, I get that there's a protocol, but that's really not what I'm asking. I play along and give her the details she demands.

She then tells me that we already have filled the req and there is nothing further to discuss until I've had approval for a new hire. I explained (again) that we are still one short and I'm just looking to back fill a few. She listed off the names and I said yes, but there is still one short. This is when she tells me that she doesn't understand the hostility and frustration she's getting from me. She's here to help and I'm freaking out on her. I reassure her through my frightened chattering teeth that I have none and apologize if it's coming across that way.

After my new asshole has been installed, I ask her about MY question. She tells me a few options (one of which I was interested in) and proceeds to tell me why none of them are best and asks why I don't just outsource the help. I explain why I want to proceed and I asked her if the local posting is something she sends me via email or if it's something she orders or if I just create it. She says, I told you I would send it to you originally. OK, I've pissed off the beast. Finally, she starts talking to me about a posting. She didn't want to use my cell phone and didn't understand why I didn't have an office line. I haven't had an office in 8 months because we closed one of my stores that I officed out of and have been "homeless" ever since. Fine, we move on.

At the end she tells me I need to put a smile on that everything is alright and I shouldn't be so frustrated. At this point my pulse is throbbing in my neck and I'm freaking out because she doesn't seem to get that I'm not the one with the psychotic tendencies. I apologize again and thanked her.

I immediately called my coworker to warn him she was going to contact him about what we'd discussed. He was apparently already on the phone with her so i called my boss. In his annoyingly "poke the bee hive" sarcastic way he starts telling me that there is no way and begins slinging questions toward me about what we discussed. Only til after I'd fully explained did he admit that she's always like this. He said she's one of those people whom he has no clue how they've survived in a position as long as they have. She's from Boston but lives in Chicago for twenty years. She hasn't dimmed that accent at all!

It's terrifying to be yelled at in German, but being accosted by a psychotic Bostonian is flat out horrific!

Suck It!

2011-07-17T22:48:00.000-05:00

Our daughter is two years and eight months old. She still uses a pacifier (Binky). We've parred her down to nap time and bed time usage only. Only of course is a loosely use term.

For a year she'd been doing phenomenally well with that arrangement up until a couple months ago. Now she's been begging for it at any boredom moment throughout the day. She'll ask for it when she watches TV and anytime we're in the car.

It's time for Binky to retire. So this week we've been prepping her for it. We've talked about how she's a super big girl now and only babies have Binkies. You know, trying to get her psyched. A few weeks ago we added a book into the night time reading repertoire about not having it any more as well. Both the conversations and the book were received with the same "this is bullshit and you know it" looks from my little girl. Didn't realize skepticism began so young.

For the record, our son will not take a pacifier for anything other than an amusing chew toy that lasts for a second or so. This has made bed time a strictly milk bar visit affair. Neither option is easy to break, I'm learning.

Several people gave us the idea to cut the pacifier so that it becomes inoperable and have the child throw it away. We'd been talking about throwing it away for a week now. Same skeptical look followed by a mad dash out of sight with this concept.

So on Friday night I did just that. I cut both of the pacifiers we had around. (There are two back ups MIA, which is why we have back ups you know.)

When she asked for it, I said you know we aren't going to have binkies any more. I need you to go throw it away. She refused. When she popped it in her mouth, she discovered the damage.

She announced "Binky Broken."

We shrugged our shoulders and said "it's time to throw it away."
She states, "No, we just need sticky tape." (Thank you Dora the Explorer)
I pulled out a Scotch tape dispenser and pulled off a piece and wrapped it around the tip.
She popped it back in her mouth but pulled it back out 30 seconds later and said "Not working."
I again told her it's OK because we have to throw it away anyway.
She declared, "No we need bigger sticky tape."
I grabbed masking tape and had the same result a minute later.
She walks up to me with this very serious look and says, "Daddy, we need the big sticky tape ever."
Packing tape it is kid. She was so happy when I pulled out this giant roll. I taped the nipple flat to the base.
Still beaming she quickly deflated with "Tape to big, can't put in my mouth. You take it off."
I shrugged again and told her it needs to go in the trash.
With this she retorts, "Mommy, Daddy, you need to go to the store and buy me a new binky. An Elmo binky."

I couldn't stop laughing.

Our night time routine was rough. A few extra books and crashing in mom and dad's bed was necessary. She woke up early in the morning and went back to bed with little fuss. We were astonished by how easy this was seeming to be.

Nap time the next day seemed easy but last night's bed time was a repeat of the previous night. Nothing to freak out about though. She asked for her binky on multiple occasions and told us we needed to find the "orange binky" (back up sanity saver) several times.

Today though, NO NAP. FU oral fixation! Needless to say, I'm at my wit's end right now. Bed time has been going on for over an hour and we're still no where near asleep. Right now it's "Daddy, you have to lay down with me." Breaks my heart cause that gets us exactly NO WHERE!

I understand why people dread this part of parenting. It's also really hard to be mean about it knowing she is so sweet and doesn't get the issue at all. Alas, every parent with a binky addicted toddler has been through this at some point. Justin hoping I have the strength to not go ape shit on her this week.

What's 0.04 Seconds?

2011-07-14T00:12:00.001-05:00

While waiting for my PC to do a ridiculously long update reboot my mind began to wander into pointless pondering. I'm sure the topic is somehow stemmed from either the fact that I just order a clock and calendar for my new office or that my cat turned 10 years old today. So I'm wondering why they divided up the year the way they did. I will fully admit, I've never looked at it, studied it or even wiki'd it. That said, there is just a lack of logic to it and it even drove me to whip out a calculator.

First the fact that we have 12 months with varying amounts of days within each doesn't make sense. Granted all but a couple of exceptions they teeter back and forth from 30 to 31, so fine, at least there's balance. But why not just have 6 months with 61 days in them? Hell it' would eliminate that pesky Leap Year (wait, I'll get back to that later). But ok, that would make for some hellaciously long months. How bout 10 months with 36 days? It's not like we really need 4 seasons with 3 months apiece. Realistically there are only a couple months of Spring and Autumn. Here in Texas they last less than a week. We go from blazing heat to winter jackets over night and vice versa. The equator folks never catch a break!

So, lemme get back to my Leap Year comment. Why do we do this at all? Now, I'm no math or science expert, but if my calculations are correct, every day we are off by 59.11 seconds. By the end of four years we've accumulated an extra day that we just toss in. Who decided this was acceptable? Sucks to be born on the 29th of February. It's almost as bad as a Christmas Birthday. Instead of your day being YOUR DAY, your day is just an imaginary day three years running! Speaking of fuzzy math...if you take those seconds and break them down amongst the rest of the seconds in a day, it appears to be only 0.04 seconds for every full second we have that's missing. Did you follow that? if not, don't worry, it's just gone midnight and I probably shouldn't be thinking about any of this anyway, let alone when it's past my bed time.

So back in the day when they were constructing the genius methods of time measurement, why didn't they just factor this crap in? I mean really? just add 0.04 seconds on to every second. We all would have just counted a hair's width slower from 1 to 2 to 3 and so on. I'm not joking or over thinking this (I hope). Didn't they do the math before they claimed their math was sound? Or did someone just take the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, hours and years and force the physics in? After they crammed in more holes than any container can withstand, they then had to spread it to the whole world (well, except the Chinese and Jews...still sticking with those ancient calendars...kids). How did everyone decide upon how long a second was? Surely some other civilization in the world...say the Mayas, had thought this through right?

Oh well, it's too late to retrain 6.77 Billion people to count a smidgen slower!

And don't get me started on the retardedness that is the Daylight's Savings!

Gute Nacht or probably Guten Morgen by the time you read this.

Fueling the Fire

2011-07-12T08:42:00.000-05:00

I read on cnn.com that the wackadoodles from Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, KS would be picketing Betty Ford's funeral. If you don't know who they are here is the wiki link of their leader that I just scrolled through while my stomach did somersaults. WBC is the group who have been picketing fallen soldiers funerals the past few years. They also seek out major celebrities funerals to picket to bring attention to their extremist religious/moral standards.

The pastor/leader/father, Fred Phelps's biography makes me sad for everyone involved. He appears to be a controlling, vengeful egomaniac with a holy agenda. He's spoken out against everything not puritanical. His big targets involve sex. That shouldn't surprise anyone though, most radicals seem to view sex as obscene. Homosexuality is numero uno. But like with Mrs. Ford's funeral, he's chosen divorce/infidelity as his cause to protest.

I shouldn't add to his Internet hits with this post, but I wanted to voice my opinion against him and his kin from WBC. They so willingly wield it when no one else wants to hear it, they should be met with equal push back. This man's vile and potentially violent messages and means of spreading should be classified as hate crimes. I'm sure Muslim Terrorists have less hatred toward their fellow man than this guy does. Lets hope the powers that be have a close enough watch on him that he can't step up his game. The UK banned he and his wife from entering the country, so apparently some one's paying attention.

Happy Birthday Declan!

2011-07-06T08:22:00.000-05:00

My little boy is a year old today! My wife and I were discussing our experiences this time last year. Both of our birth stories are all drama and bumbling hilarity. His was particularly complicated because we had another little one running around. Drama and inside humor aside, this little guy is an ever smiling/flirting/happy dude. Makes me feel like we've done something right when your kids are just happy. Sure it's a false sense of accomplishment, but with all the antisocial, timid kids we encounter, I'll pat my own back thank you very much. Oh and startling resemblance to me...as should be expected...definitely helps him win favor!

Speaking of resembling me...my dad always used to call me an orangutan because well, I was a giant lanky red head, just like our primate kin. But Kottke.org posted this link about a wild life photographer whose camera was swipe by one of the Black Macaque monkey he was documenting.

This photo made me smile so much this morning. It was weird looking at those teeth. I don't know why I never noticed it before, but they really do look like human teeth. Not sure what I thought they'd have, but that looks like Uncle Herb's grill more so than a wild animal no?

Imagine not being there when nature begins to do your job for you! I wonder what this little guy thought when he saw his reflection in that camera. Do you think he's self aware? I couldn't tell when my kids crossed that line from thinking it was the best looking baby they'd ever seen versus playing with them selves in the mirror.

Baby Wyatt

2011-07-05T17:32:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine was induced last week and her baby was still born. There were complications with the pregnancy, I didn't fully understand the details, but I believe they were the cause. This is her second child. We just stopped in to see them on our vacation to New Orleans. Dropped off baby stuff she'd given us thinking her first son was going to be her only, as well as some other things we thought she'd like.

Since she moved to Louisiana we've not been as close, but we definitely still kept in contact. I heard the news from one of our friends whom could easily be described as "the town gossip." When she announced she was pregnant, she called me to let me know. With that she said, "I wanted to tell you before you heard it through the grapevine." Within the hour, the town gossip was calling me to break the news.

I have a feeling she let him know (via text) so she didn't have to tell all of us and deal with the uncomfortableness of it all directly. I get that and might do the same. That said, I don't know what to do now. I at least want to send her a condolences card. But I feel awkward because she hasn't told us about it yet. I don't think in the grand scheme it matters how I found out. I just want to let her know we are thinking about her.

What's the protocol/ettiquite here? I called my mom and she basically reiterated my thought. It's more important to let her know we care than tiptoe around how we found out. What are your thoughts? Ever experience it or have ot react to it?

Happy 4th of July

2011-07-04T23:51:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday America! Hope you guys had a great celebration today. Most of Texas is under a burn ban and therefore canceled fireworks displays and banned the sale for personal use altogether.

We went to a cookout with friends for a few hours. The kids got to play with their son in the pool and sand box. Good times with good people and good food! As for our own fireworks display, I'll deny this blog has any ounce of credibility should the police some snooping around. Last year our oldest kinda freaked out with our own personal show so I had a whole goodie bag full for this year. We tried out everything that didn't fly up in the air (well, with one mistaken exception). Both kids had a blast. Daddy's a hero...hooray!

Mashable posted this and I laughed the whole way through. The New York Times created America's Facebook Wall, should our nation have been socially networked from its inception. Hope you enjoy. BYOT! And I think OJ owes me a thank you note for those Isotoner Gloves!

Burial Tomb: For Sale By Owner

2011-06-30T09:58:00.000-05:00

While in New Orleans, I decided I wanted to go visit La Fayette Cemetery. You know, cause nothing says relaxing vacation like melting in the sweltering heat with corpses beneath your feet. Then again, in a city where a funeral parade is the norm, you gotta check out what the what is! So we jump on a street car and go grab a bite for lunch. We discovered long before now that New Orleans food service is a marathon event and not a sprint, but still we were hopeful to be surprised with a normal dining speed at some point. We were wrong.

By the time lunch was through and we'd made it to the cemetery it was closed. Cemeteries close? Not that I expected them to keep a famous spot open to the public through the wee hours of the night, but 2pm is hardly hooligan hour.

So we ventured to La Fayette number 2. It didn't look like that much of a hike up the same street so we took to the road. Now, I've gotten down on people who work in my company and ask me to pick up a vehicle 200 miles away like it's nothing only to hear them say, "oh, well it doesn't look that far on the map." I have to remind them that this is Texas and eight of their states can fit inside of it! Shame on me for neglecting to account that this venture was ON FOOT with two children in 100* weather with gallons of moisture per inch floating in the air.

At last we made it through the ghetto to one of three cemeteries. The first was the only one not closed as well. I soon realized why. Apparently Katrina or Time or some other devastating event had not been kind to this plot of land. Nearly every crypt was broken in some way. Many were entirely destroyed which kind of breaks your heart when you consider the effort that was once put into the enshrinement of loved ones. There were quite a few larger structures that held multiple remains that were ripped apart and various members of the undead relocated/missing/homeless?/obliterated.

But even in the most sacred of places. A place where I should hold more reverence knowing the destruction it's withstood, I still found a some humor.

So this is one of those multi-person tomb structures. One whole side of it is gone meaning some Cajun zombies were wreaking havoc on a city in peril a few years ago. The face was gone as well as the body. Inside were several of those catholic prayer candles you see in the most random places in your grocery store. But if you look to the right a few candles back you see some straight voodoo shit!

That's a can of Planter's Peanuts and a bundle of herbs atop. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die a slow painful death just for photographing it, let alone posting it on the interwebs.

But this one by far was the most disturbing. So who owns your final resting place? You or your "loved ones"?

Guess they forgot the number one rule of real estate. Location, Location, Location.

Eventually I'd like to go back to New Orleans...it's only an 8 hour drive after all. They do ghost tours of the cemeteries on the other side of town. There are also tons of restaurants that called my name but the lack of time and burden of sleepy/cranky children didn't permit.

When Two-Year-Olds Step Up To The Podium

2011-06-27T08:53:00.000-05:00

My daughter's hit that point where she's trying to rationalize back to me when she doesn't like what I tell her. That's not to say she's successfully communicating the argument, it's just something other than "NO, NO, NO," is coming out of her mouth.

"Daddy, you don't tell me no," and "Daddy, you don't talk to me about it," are her go to phrases right now.

The tantrums are there, but really just get out her frustration and I think she's figured it out. If she throws a big tantrum, not only is she not getting what she wants, she's getting a spanking on top of it. It only took a month of torture to get to this point. Probably a record somewhere, but it's been hell so speed of her learning curve isn't really something I'm bragging about.

Last week was probably my favorite attempt at rationalizing the situation in her favor. Keep in mind we'd traveled 1800 miles over the course of a week on vacation so car's aren't the kid's favorite concept right now. I had meetings to attend in Houston a couple days after vacation was over. The Gold Cup soccer semifinals was held at Reliant Stadium between USA & Panama and Mexico & Honduras and my wife's family had picked us up tickets. This meant the kids were coming along on my business trip and would get to see my parents (Nana & Papa). Over dinner on Sunday night she announces that we cannot go see Nana and Papa. "The car is too small and we are too big. We can't go see Nana and Papa. I sorry, car too small, we're to big."

We were dying. It was the single best argument she's come up with. Sadly, for her it wasn't good enough to float the boat. GO USA & MEXICO! But I'll give it to her, I can tell I'm in for a rough 16 years ahead.

There's No Place Like Home!

2011-06-21T00:18:00.000-05:00

Vacations are breaks from life that seem to take two forms. You come back refreshed and longing to be back on that ski slope on the beach. Or what seems to be more prevalent, you feel like I did today. Worn out and grateful for my normal life.

We bought tickets to the Houston Beer Festival through Groupon several months back. The plan was to go with some friends who told me about it and have my wife and some of her cousins come along. So when 20,000 Grouponers descend upon Tranquility Park in downtown Houston along with the 5,000 others who paid full price, disaster struck. The lines to get in were hours long. It was unbelievably disorganized and damn if it wasn't blisteringly hot. I saw several people faint and a couple had heat stroke seizures. (one girl was second in line for her Groupon when she pissed herself, started choking on her tongue and passed out...paramedics eventually showed...she's all good now).

Once in, we had a blast. Just a minor blip. We went to eat afterward which was pushing it with grandparents as babysitters. My 11-month-old apparently cried the last 15 minutes straight right before we got home. I came in and my dad was pacing the house. Should've skipped dinner, but beer saturated people gotta eat son!

The next day we headed to Biloxi, MS. My brother-in-law ships out to Afghanistan in a couple weeks and had four days of leave. He could travel within a small radius around Hattiesburg, MS. He chose the beach. The family from Tulsa came down as did some from Houston and us. His 8-month-pregnant wife and 5-year-old daughter got to spend some quality time with him too. I'll probably have more to post about Biloxi later, but aside from the family stress that is my in-laws, it was fun...hell on Earth sweltering, but fun. Oh and if you've never been, this is a gambling town in a poor state with white sandy beaches. So for a redhead who doesn't gamble, it was not exactly my cup of tea...the fresh oysters on the half shell on the other hand....Slap Yo Mamma Good!

We spent the rest of the week in New Orleans, LA. I've never been to NOLA before. This was an experience worth a couple of blog posts. I'd like to note on the topic of vacation hells though, this city tops most of them. Hot, sticky, stinky, slow as molasses food service, (friendly people though) hell! All the fabulous Cajun food and gallon sized hurricanes in the world weren't enough to keep the heat and humidity at bay.

Needless to say, 1,800 miles later, I'm dog tired and happy to be back home and working. Granted, we're heading back to Houston tomorrow so I can attend some trainings and we're fitting in a couple of international soccer games at Reliant Stadium in the middle!

Here's to being home and vacations that make us truly appreciate it!

Temper Trap

2011-06-08T22:17:00.000-05:00

I have a temper. It's fairly short with my family but patient with most of my employees and coworkers. Distant family or folks I only see once in a blue moon get the softer side too. The closer you are though, the rougher I become.

I'm not the physically abusive type or anything, I yell and slam stuff. My wife puts up with a lot of this crap from me. I'm quickly realizing that it's extremely unhealthy around my children. My daughter is in the middle of the most difficult time for children. She's two and a half and is truly testing her boundaries and walking that fine line between being a toddler and little girl who comprehends and can communicate thoroughly. The tantrums she throws though are like a slightly more psychotic version of mine. This scares me more than anything.

I'm already in trouble as a parent for her recent fill in the blank moment involving me saying "Mother," and cutting myself off. Yep, like she was just helping me out for the missing word, she enunciated it to perfection. Not my finest hour.

The gym has been helpful in loosening up some work anxiety and frustration. So I'm thinking I need to come up with some new ideas for managing the anger and the cursing. The cussing is a problem that I need to just tap that subconscious level of my brain that keeps those words at bay when in the presence of strangers, customers and the elderly. I know it's there. As for the temper, what do you do for on the spot rage suppression?

I'd love to hear your advice on either topic.

Air Was Escaping From His Body In The Way Air Usually Does

2011-06-02T22:55:00.001-05:00

Jim Carrey might be the closest thing to a live action cartoon I've ever seen. But a news story from last week just might top him now. Here's the BBC link. A New Zealand truck driver fell of his rig and impaled his butt cheek on a pipe fitting. This fitting was to an air compressor. The man began filling up with air like a balloon, or as he put it, a football (soccer ball for us Yanks!).

He was pinned and said he just had to lie there and take it. If he wasn't alright, I'd feel bad about the bouts of laughter I had from that comment. He said he felt like his foot was going to explode! Doctors said they were amazed his skin didn't burst. I'm picturing something straight out of Looney Tunes!

To the Juicer!

So a BBC Radio 1 DJ I listen to on satellite radio had this little bit to go along with the story. A couple of radio folks from a town called Kent couldn't keep it together reading this story...which serendipitously was followed by the weather on a particularly windy day!

I couldn't stop laughing in the car. Yes, I'm a bad, bad person. Like I said though, because he's recovering, I think it's fair game for a chuckle!

I Have a Penis, What Do You have?

2011-06-01T13:08:00.000-05:00

CAUTION! THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS TALK ABOUT NAMES FOR SEX ORGANS AND WHAT TODDLERS CALL THEM. NOT IN A PERVY WAY EITHER YOU SICKO! IF YOU'RE EASILY WEIRDED OUT, HERE IS YOUR OFFICIAL CEASE AND DESIST.

My wife and I have a continuing discussion the past few days. Our daughter is two and a half and we're being forced to decide what to call her private parts. Currently she calls them her butt. I'm not sure where it came from, but it is what it is.

She knows that my son and I have penises and calls them that. I have no issue with it even though the horror that ran through my mother-in-law's mind at first was priceless. Since she could walk, she's barged right in while we're using the bathroom. Can't really hide the fact that daddy stands up to pee and has extra accessories to go along with the act. Then when my son came along, let's just say privacy is moot at this point. She is also aware thanks to my breastfeeding wife, that she will someday too have boobs.

OK, so all of that was to point out that while initially, we might seem WAY too open with our toddler, some things just happen and if you're able to hide anatomy and life from your kids, kudos, you're a more diligent person than I am.

Speaking of anatomy, that's what this is. I'm not having the sex talk with her or anything crazy. I don't recall what we called it as kids, my wife grew up with a bunch of Tally Wackers but can't recall what hers was called. According to her mom it was a Hoo Hoo. See, I'm not ok with that at all.

My sister's was called her bottom and her rear was called her butt. That seemed simple enough but teachers and stick up their ass churchies might have a problem with the word butt. Then again, they will probably have a problem with PENIS! Pretty sure somewhere in the New International Version, Jesus declares the penis null and void along with the century's old ruling on banning of dirty lady parts.

So, what's the problem, you're probably asking? Why can't she just say VAGINA? Why am I making a big deal out of it? Well frankly, she's never spoken of my penis in public, so that's one. She has said she hurts or itches in public before. Thank you UTIs for those awkward moments! Hell on Memorial Day she decided to dig in the dirt, no biggy, we've got baby wipes. But while I was working the grill and battling mosquitoes, she decided her panties were dirty from sitting in the dirt and needed to be taken off. Because being naked in the dirt makes much more sense. Yeah, she hurt later that night too.

My wife slept on the topic a few nights and decided if my son and I have penises, than her and my daughter have vaginas (side note, when I spell checked this post, vaginas apparently isn't a word, the plural seems to be vaginae. Who knew, guess I've never discussed multiple vaginae before!). WHEW! Glad that's cleared up. But seriously, I'm kinda in agreement with her. So why bother with this post? Cause I'd like to hear your stance. And for the record a two year old saying vagina just werids me out, but it's kinda funny now since she can't actually say it. So for now her "Gina" (long i) is AOK.

I predict that sometime in Kindergarten I'm going get called into the teacher's conference to discuss the vagina issue. I told my wife that if I could keep a straight face, when asked why we allow her to say it, I'd tell the teacher that "Cunt, Twat and Pussy just seemed somehow inappropriate." Probably never happen.

So, what was your thingy called when you were growing up? What have you taught your kids?

Craig Ferguson had a wonderful little story about the Shame Stick and the Magic Baby Door. Pretty sure both are out for us. But in response one of my old professors declared he prefers the Bald Avenger. Thanks Dr. Sisk.

Oh and the Internet is not the best place to research this topic so I've found. Thousands of names for each part, none of them would I ever want to hear my daughter legitimately refer to hers or a boy's units as such. Then there's the porn, but I won't get into that right now...unless, nah gotta get back to work!

Goodbye Abby's Daddy

2011-05-27T09:47:00.001-05:00

My wife has some new friends she's made over the past few months taking our daughter to dance class. One of these friends has a husband who's gone to the class occasionally. My wife described him as 32, fit and healthy. He had a heart attack yesterday. On the way to the hospital his heart stopped twice. He was in a coma and they did a test to see if oxygen was getting to his brain. Apparently it wasn't. They were collecting funds for his funeral was the last message she received while we were eating dinner.

This man is only a year older than me. (and I'd hardly describe myself as fit and healthy!) He has a 5 year old son and a two year old daughter. His son may have a vague memory of him later in life, but his daughter will have no recollection of him.

I can't fathom this. I know death is the only for sure thing in life. It doesn't mean I dwell on it, cause I can't negotiate the terms. Well, I guess I can to a degree. That's like saying a 400 pound man can't help his weight because it's genetic. But ultimately, it'll happen eventually. But eventually shouldn't be next year!

You know, guys start thinking about these things when they are 50 or so because friends and acquaintances begin hitting the hospital with frequency and it spooks them. People at my age die in car accidents or something external, not heart attack or stroke!

My biological grandfather died of heart failure when he was 30. His kids, my father age 4 and aunt age 2 at the time suddenly didn't have a father. My father had 3 heart attacks around his 41st birthday. I don't know this side of the family well, but I know my genes are theirs. Sometimes negative motivation like what I'm doing here is the best thing for me. I've been hitting the gym with more frequency than usual, but not what I need to do to give my kids their fair shot at knowing their dad.

I guess we all have to look over that cliff at some point. It's now for me. I don't just want to see my kids graduate or anything like that, I want to be a grandfather. I want to see and do a whole lot more than I have so far.

As for my wife's friend. My heart aches for her and her kids. This will be the roughest time of their lives. Make sure your family knows you love them.

Video Killed The Radio Star

2011-05-22T00:23:00.000-05:00

Well former wannabe radio star. I need some advice, purdy please! I have a bunch of digital videos we've filmed over the past few years of the kids and whatnot. I'd like to edit some of them together. Maybe put some music behind them, you know simple Youtube crap.

I don't have any software for it. I don't know where to begin looking either. I don't want to over purchase. But I also don't want to buy the cheapest thing and be disappointed and have to find another solution later on. I'll be honest, I couldn't even begin to figure out the criteria to judge existing software.

I want something simple and user friendly but will create videos that aren't crap an iPad would reject. Or was that an iPad could create? Either way, you folks on the other side of the Internet surely have more experience than I do. So, I'd greatly appreciate your guidance.

Happy Birthday Dad

2011-05-03T09:06:00.001-05:00

My Dad and his twin sister are 50 years old today! My parents are very young but still, they've always seemed so much older because, well, they're my parents. That said, 50 isn't ridiculously far away nor is it old anymore.

For a point of reference, I'm 31, my wife is 33. I remember thinking 16 was an eternity away. Then 18 would never come. It was about that time that everyone said after 18 time just flies by. I didn't understand what they were talking about until recently. 21 was the next big date that ultimately came and went.

By 25 I'd begun to notice that time truly is relative and if you're working a boring shift, time crawled. But slam me and be surrounded by pure chaos and time is gone in the blink of an eye. Introduce alcohol and a good time and snap, the next day is there with a quickness.

It was about then that I left the restaurant industry and resigned myself to being a corporate pawn. I doubt many people will feel this way, but since 25 the weekends sneak up on me with ninja stealth. Then they are gone before I even realized they were here!

A wedding and two kids since and I'm still amazed how fast it's all flown by. My dad is 50! Albeit 40 is still a ways a way, but I'm closer to it than my kids are to my age.

They say stop and smell the flowers. I don't know how to ensure I don't let time just pass by. I want to make certain my children don't hit a time warp, let alone I miss them in a time warp. So when someone out there comes up with Hiro Nakamura's ability to freeze and move through time and space, please let me know. I'll take that red pill.

Stalker Alert or Fun Feature?

2011-04-28T09:26:00.000-05:00

Facebook is far worse than Google with information gathering/sharing/selling/stealing. I'm not saying that you can't buy more useful information from Google in terms of a person's likes and pattern of behavior. An advertiser might be better off paying for a Google list than ever posting an ad on Facebook.

A stalker on the other hand...Facebook all the way. I'll come back to this in a second.

Last night was 31 cent night at Baskin Robbins. (still can't believe a cent sign is that pointless that my Blackberry, iPhone and Keyboard don't even bother to include it. $0.31 just doesn't have the same effect. Maybe I'm just getting old and curmudgeonly.) Some of you might remember the company being called 31 flavors, hence the $0.31 scoop deal.

We bought the kiddo's and ourselves some sweet creamy goodness. It was my 9 month old's first go round with happiness in a cup. The cold surprised him at first but then he wasn't taking no for an answer. My two and a half year old was a chocolate covered fool by the end of it. A local fire department had a truck out front and let the kids climb all over it and try on the uniforms. Good times.

Now I've seen many a friend scoff at the check in feature on Facebook. "Why would anyone care where I am as my FB status?" and other such logic seems to be applied. Screw off is what I say, you post that you're having your morning coffee. What's the difference in the scheme of mundane unimportance?

So I checked us in.

Here Now? I don't know these people!

So let me get this straight. Facebook is obviously looking to expand our sad little Social world into a truly interactive Real Life experience. You meet someone at the local ice cream shop and hit it off. Now you can immediately become Facebook friends? Or is this more for Baskin Robbins? I just see a slew of real life stalkers being able to cyber stalk as tool to more efficiently real life stalk.

And on a related note, you know how Apple maintains that they don't store your location on your iPhone? (Link) I call BS! Ever look at the places tab on your photos? That's not even zoomed all the way in. I can see hundreds of pin points around our house and neighborhood when I pull it.

Sadly, while it might seem like all of this really bothers me, I'm actually quite careless when it comes to privacy. Then again being a blogger implies you don't want to hide nearly as much as everyone.

Long Lost Friend...er, Phone

2011-04-22T22:23:00.001-05:00

I've thought about this little part of my life a lot here lately. Had several stories to share and yet when I sit down to type, nothing feels right. I've deleted multiple posts lately. I'm not sure why either. I've blogged some utter crap before, why am I being so critical now?

Any hoo.

On February 25th I was the long time, obsessive owner of a trendy time waster called an iPhone. I'm sure you've heard of them. If not, can I join you on your private island?

On February 26th that changed. No, I didn't buy a Droid...though the thought has crossed my mind in the past few weeks. I already own a Blackberry for work, so the take away here is that I didn't give up my phone. It was removed from my possession. Yep, taken from me, the wound is still raw so please be gentle.

To my dismay, I knew the culprit well. In a parallel universe where I am far more vindictive, cruel and irrational, said ne'erdowell might have lost a limb or four for such a crime.

My two year old daughter absconded with my phone one evening. This may be typical behavior for her in that she plays games and does flash cards or watches Netflix from my phone. The difference? It didn't come back.

I called it after she was asleep to track it down. Immediately, our son wakes up from his cradle in our bedroom. I assumed it was in there. Later that night and the next morning, I searched everywhere in the room for it. No luck.

I asked my little angel where my phone was. She took my hand and brought me into the garage (where my wife and I had been working earlier that day in preparation a garage sale). We looked about for awhile and returned to the dining room where she says, "Oh no, Daddy phone lost."

Was the garage just a diversionary tactic to make me think she was putting in the effort when in reality she couldn't care less about my phone's whereabouts? The answer to that rhetorical question was a resounding yes.

After a few weeks, I'd given up. We'd held a successful garage sale that required a spring cleaning of all the rooms in the house. There was no possible way we'd overlooked it. Though, I'd still spend at least 10 minutes a day searching the random spots in the house...you know, under the bathroom sink, behind the nursery dresser, in the crevice between the water heater closet and the dryer, etc. NADA. The only plausible idea was the trash can.

She'd been slightly obsessed with her new skill around the same time. This skill being stepping on the lid lever and tossing our nonessentials away. I'd assumed she'd done the same with the television remote a few months prior but it turned up in the underlining of the couch during my frantic phone search. So at least there's a perk and a glimmer of hope, right?

7 weeks later, I've been burning up on our new mattress at night so I was in search some satin sheets in hopes of nocturnal relief. Sheets are in a bin/basket on the top shelf of our closet but it didn't contain the cool silky black comfort I craved. I continued my search. Opposite side of the closet, I felt the supple fabric that would surely be my savior...and the edge I tugged was black from what I could see from below. To my surprise, this was not what I was looking for. This particular bin contained a slew of naughty negligees. Sadly, I'd not seen any of this lingerie since my wife was pregnant with the phone thief.

There amidst satin and lace lie my long lost phone. Glee over came me. I'm pretty sure I was temporarily possessed by a 14-year-old girl as I cried out "My Phone, My Phone, Oh My God, My Phone! Lookie, Look!"

It wasn't until later that I realized the true irony here. My daughter busted up my wife's self body image and caused the lingerie to become irrelevant. She also caused the fire in the kitchen which in turn inspired our garage sale. Then she just dumped my phone where ever she pleased after using it. My wife going through the bin apparently for said garage sale had left it down and presumably the same evening hoisted it back to it's home with a stow away. Because my daughter is only a few inches north of 3 feet tall, why would my wife in her stay-at-home-mom search of the house for my missing phone have ever thought to look above her own head for my phone?

The worst part, the fact that I didn't even know that the lingerie bin existed resoundingly says more about us than the fact that I went personal phoneless for nearly two months than I dare admit.

My effing phone is back and, while I lost many a Words with Friends game, all is well again in Dorn's world...telecommunicationly speaking at least.

Throw Your Boss Over The Edge

2011-04-11T09:02:00.001-05:00

One of my store's does a decent amount of business with the local chapter of the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The rep was in a few weeks ago while I was paying them a visit. We were chatting about his company and he was sharing some stories of wishes and how they choose or what stars let kids down etc.

You know how the foundation will have people do a walk, run or march and gain sponsors to raise money for the charity? Well this year they are doing something a little different. They are contracting with one of the skyscrapers downtown. The contest will be called "Over The Edge." People will literally be repelling down a 30 story building for charity! (Link)

The deal is you have to get $1500 in sponsors. One of the ideas they have is "Throw Your Boss Over The Edge." So all your employees round up the cash and toss you off the roof. Sounds Awesome.

My guys are considering it. I'm game. While I'm not afraid of heights, I'm sure I'll have a moment of panic if it comes to fruition. Cleared it by the wife, while it's dangerous, they'll have us harnessed in and being a non-profit, they surely will have unimaginable safety measures in place. Not really worried about corporate nixing it, though they might put up a struggle at first.

I really need to get in shape though. It's in June. I can't be the weak one who can't even make it down.

I'll keep you posted if this is a reality. Would you do it? 30 Stories or over 300 feet. Should be a rush!

Potty Talk

2011-04-06T23:54:00.000-05:00

My little girl has been potty trained for quite some time with the exception of a diaper at nighttime. We've been working toward eliminating that too. Needless to say, we spend a lot of time in restrooms together. Restaurants and stores are a must, she can't resist the call of uncharted territories.

Tonight while we are watching a movie she says "potty" so we pause and I take her in to the bathroom. She's been working on going by herself lately. She can get the light on and climb up on the stool, drop her drawers and get on the toilet without assistance.

She starts to go and looks at me and says "Aw, feel much better."

When did she become an 80-year-old man?

While at an outdoor concert a few weeks ago, she had to potty at least 10 times. Boredom begets creative freedom fighting. She went with mommy the first time. Every time after, I ended up going instead.

She explained that "Mommy take pink potty." So when I took her into a blue port-a-potty it was a new experience. Our first time in a blue potty was fine...still early in the evening. Men are pigs in the bathroom. Port-a-potties are disgusting. The combination of the two is horrifying. Daddy started taking her to pink potties then.

We get back to the group and she announced "Daddy go girl potty. Blue potty Daddy. No Pink Potty."

Busted.

April Fools

2011-04-01T08:23:00.000-05:00

I've never been one to pull pranks of friends for April Fools even though I've had ideas pop in my head the whole year through. Well, except when I worked in the restaurant industry, we pranked each other all day, but nothing super planned. My wife assured me that there will be no "we're pregnant calls" today to put this fool into a tailspin!

I've been mulling over pranking one of my best store operators. Walking in to tell them about a customer calling me with a giant complaint that I can't find any alternative but to demand their keys immediately. On second thought, while he has a good sense of humor and I know I can pull it off, I don't know if it's worth it. Scare the bejezus out of him for what? My own enjoyment. Probably not a good idea.

Yep, I just realized I'm an old fuddy duddy. Then again, the boss is on vacation, so I don't have to worry about him getting a complaint call until after it all settles down.

You pranking anyone this year?

Uninspired. So Here's A Good Song To Get You Through The Day.

2011-03-29T23:15:00.000-05:00

We've been working on reshaping the house for so many weeks now, I should have loads to talk about. Every weekend for a solid month we've gone out and done something exciting. Yet this little part of my world doesn't seem like the right place to share it. Not that you guys shouldn't know any of it. It's just that none of it is exciting enough or funny enough to even try to pull together. Maybe I need a new creative edge. I've been mulling around some ideas for the other blog I started at the beginning of the year and to date have only posted 3 times and haven't looked back. I don't want to call this a rut, I just might need a few more days of inspiration gathering!

My muses might be the problem too. I've found myself listening to crappy top 40 with incessant regularity. So I'll try to redeem myself with by leaving you with a song that I have grown to love even though it's unbelievably simple and sickeningly catchy!

Foster the People

"Pumped Up Kicks"

Just Saved the Company $80

2011-03-24T08:58:00.000-05:00

I needed a small table for a waiting area to go between a couple chairs at one of my stores. We have an account through OfficeMax so I was shopping. Small and compact for the specific area is exactly what I need, more function than form. I found this item that looked perfect. 24"X24"

The description is probably too small to read unless you're 12. It describes a Lightweight Table with a Hollow Honeycomb Laminate Top. For only $88.88!

That sounds strangely familiar. I bought a couple tables for the kid's room from Ikea that were Lightweight with a Hollow Honeycomb Laminate Top. For only $7.99!

Size does matter. Ikea's Lack table is only 21"X21"

I think I'll lose 3" here and there to save the $80.

Don't Fail Me Now Mr. Gates

2011-03-21T10:42:00.001-05:00

I have decided to update our desktop PC with Window's 7 and Office 2010. I'm more than a little nervous that I'm about to jack up my system beyond repair. But in theory, people do this all the time and since the vast knowledge ~~and misdirection~~ of the internet is at my avail, I shall trudge onward.

I've backed up all of our documents onto my old laptop hard drive I converted to an external drive. That in it's own right was a leap of faith this weekend that proved itself to be a success. [Pats self on back]

Wish me luck.

Update:

The hard drive format was simple thankfully...probably the part that made me the most nervous. So Windows installed itself while I was at work.

Initial experiences with Windows 7 haven't been very good.

First, it froze when I tried to click the start menu...for 35 minutes. The clock sat at 5:07pm until a quarter til 6 when I finally decided to do a hard shut down by holding the power button...something I've always been told NEVER to do.

Things work normally when it reboots.

So I try to get my wireless internet to work. Nothing happens when I plug in the USB Wireless Adapter. Admittedly, I caused part of this problem by not being able to find the software disc from my Netgear Wireless USB Adapter. Netgear allows you to download the drivers...but not burn them to a disc sooooo, damn. I plugged my Sprint Broadband USB into the slot just to double check it. She fired up but that's not a solution as I don't have that software at home...it's my work connection.

I can't hardwire it in because the internet connection is across the house.

I'm not sure what direction to go now. I considered buying a new adapter, but damnit, I just don't want to spend the money on something that worked 12 hours ago!

Any advice?

Blogger is Taunting Me & Self Promoting...A Two in One Sucker Punch!

2011-03-19T11:40:00.000-05:00

Logged in last night while the kids were getting their baths to see what's new. And this is what I see!

F^@% you very much Blogger!

I've already stated I missed SXSW.

I don't need it rubbed in!

The video link is for this.

Admittedly, this shameless self promotion

was probably part of South By's Interactive Festival

and not Blogger actually reading my last post

then taunting me about the very nature of it.

We went to a free outdoor concert South By Southwest produced and had an absolute blast. I got to hear my favorite songs by bands I'd loved but hadn't ever seen live. Good times!

Fireworks after the Blue October Show

I love this City

Back to the video though, they look like they are adding some really cool new features. Wonder how many novels I've written by their standards.

Glutton for Punishment

2011-03-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

South By South West Music Festival started this week. Our grand city of Austin, Texas is a mad house covered with thousands of famous people and tens of thousands of visitors from around the world. I did not fork over the mega bucks for wristbands and badges like my buddy did. I'm missing out on the cool stuff yes, but I've also got a family to watch out for. Maybe someday though! Life BK (before kids) we'd at least go downtown to check out some of the no-badge-necessary free shows. The energy is amazing this time of year.

Every night during the festival the outdoor stage we call Auditorium Shores is home to the only official SXSW free shows. All the other bars and venues hosting South By events are exclusive. These at the amphitheater are open to the public. I've always avoided them because free means ungodly amounts of people will rain down on the river. That said, my wife really wants to go (I do too for the bands, just not for the crowd toting my two little ones along).

We missed the Strokes last night. Tonight though, Bowling for Soup and Blue October are at bat. Admittedly, I'm excited. I'm also nervous about how we're gonna pull this off. Parking when there isn't an event is soul crushing. We're doomed tonight. BUT, once the show gets under way, we will be golden!

Wish the video wasn't one of those creepy Youtube concoctions,
but this is my favorite song of theirs.

Blue October - X Amount of Words

At least these guys got a bit more creative (guess that's purely subjective)
Still, what's with these bands and not having real videos?
Maybe I hear all these guys more because they're from here.
Ah well...enjoy!
Bowling for Soup - Ohio (Come Back to Texas)

Namesake

2011-03-15T23:19:00.000-05:00

I know I just said I wanted to read the counter novel to Jane Eyre but like usual, something else has caught my eye. Not only is it shinier, it has semi relevance to me and well, one must feed his ego to survive right?

I'm a Junior. My biological father was (supposedly*, not confirmed by anyone but a semi-reliable aunt) named after the poet Edward Dorn. I've run across his poems before and wasn't very impressed. I think I figured out why. I originally though it was because he wrote about cowboys and the west in general. Later in life he wrote about UFOs and random things like broccoli and spoons (totally making up the last two but not really if you get my drift). So lets just say this acclaimed writer/poet might have lost his marbles later in life. As only a good college professor should though really.

Well it turns out his style of writing had limited punctuation and persistent use of junkie jargon mixed with sci-fi set in the wild west. The lack of punctuation and random stream of thoughts scooped together as a semblance of coherency reminds me of modern blogs, tweets and the communication style of the youth of the nation. Maybe I should revisit it.

His epic work was called Gunslinger or sometimes just Slinger, I'm not sure which is real. It was three to five books (depending on the source) that were published during the middle of his career. I read some excerpts on Amazon and kinda liked what I read.

The random page finder "Surprise me" option on Amazon brought me to page 201. The only thing on page 201 is this image.

So my guess is it's a bullet. But it kinda looks like a dried up umbilical cord, or worse a sphincter. Won't let that deter me yet.

Have you read any of his work? What are your thoughts? People claim he redefined what American Poetry was and the underlying meaning behind this work was a critique on 20th century capitalism. Probably still relevant. Let's go.

*supposedly because the dates don't match up for me. He began publishing his work a couple years after Dorn Sr. was born. I don't think they would have known him prior, but can't be sure. I understood they were carrying on the tradition of Edwards (I think I'm the 7th) but where would Dorn have come from other wise is kind of a mystery.

Reader, I Married Him or Some BS Like That

2011-03-14T09:44:00.000-05:00

Books like Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë and Austen's Pride & Prejudice somehow evaded my periphery on the high school required reading list. I should be able to say I read it and was bored to tears or something along those lines. I never experienced them...and now I'm wondering if I teetered in and out of honor's courses at just the right times to avoid them or maybe I was just a really bad student. Or option three is that my high school in all it's superiority (really was a great school) dropped the ball somewhere.

Regardless of reason, Brontë has never graced my palms. I dont' think I've ever even seen a movie version of Jane Eyre, or if I did it made zero impression which seems unlikely. Even, gag reflexes usually lock into place and one should just have a memory to trigger them, right? I've endured numerous Pride & Prejudice movie viewings (several versions). They've made me NEVER want to read an Austen novel. Sadly the movie Jane Austen Book Club DID make me want to read her. (Didn't hurt that two actresses I really dig were guiding it along...Maria Bello, thank you for being H-O-T and Emily Blunt, you can cop an attitude with me any day.)

Side note, my wife is really pushing Brontë as a potential name for another daughter. She's killing me on the pretentiousness and sometimes just wrongness of her latest fixations. Her current wishlist: Brontë, Lorelei, or Clementine. My pretentious request for Juliet Elizabeth pales in comparison, I believe.

"Is this going somewhere?" I know I know, but to be clear, it might not be, I don't know yet...just a heads up.

I was reading a Slate article about the different Jane Eyre movie productions and my interest was piqued. Not in the actual novel, but in the counter novel. Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys tells Jane's story from the crazy wife locked in the attic's perspective. Now this could get interesting. Or be boring as hell. But right now I need some motivation to read again and I think I've found it. I mean read a book "read." I read my fair share of blogs and magazines. I have four or five books I began last year but never made it past the first chapter. Not because they weren't worth the read, I just wasn't in the mood. 2010 sadly is a year of no adult books (meaning I read at least 5 children's books a day to my daughter, I was not meaning Letters to Penthouse or anything).

The flipped perspective got me about 10 years ago when I read Wicked: The Life & Times of the Wicked Witch by Gregory Maguire. (was not impressed with the broadway adaptation by the way but that's a whole other animal there...movie adaptations are one thing, but musicals?) I began consuming his flowery crafted reverse point of views of my favorite children's tales. Then I found booze & sex and haven't read anything from him since.

So now I have an excuse to stop by Half Price Books and roam around. Might even tell you how it goes...assuming all goes well. Then I really HAVE to pick Ender's Game back up, my buddy loaned it to me 6 months ago as a must read and I've cracked it once and put it immediately back down. Bad friend and poor intellect are baring their asses I'm afraid.

What's your latest literary adventure?

Destructo Dogs

2011-03-12T23:55:00.001-06:00

We have new neighbors. They have dogs. Dogs aren't necessarily an issue. The neighborhood is full of them. My wife doesn't like them, they wake my daughter up in the middle of the night barking, I don't' really care either way.

So the house the new people moved into is catty-corner to our back yard. The previous owners left their trampoline behind. The new people didn't take that trampoline down even though they have no children.

Guess what. Dogs aren't afraid to use a trampoline to launch themselves into our back yard. A few weeks ago their owner came over to ask if she could get them out of our back yard. We hadn't even noticed the intruders. The next day though, they were back. They had a little fun this time.

My Chair didn't stand a chance.

How does a dog bite through hard plastic?

This used to be the head rest.

Looks worse than Scarecrow's last stand in the land of Oz.

Dogs do love a good shoe right?

Guess my mowing shoes didn't need to stay an identical pair.

Oh hey, a gift! This ear doesn't belong to anyone I know.

To date, there hasn't been another incident in my back yard. I saw them later that same week running down the street. but even since then, ti's been uneventful. I really do wish I'd caught the flying/bouncing dog routine on camera though!

Ego Boost

2011-03-11T21:27:00.000-06:00

My wife told me three times this week that I "look really good in that." Referring to what ever I was wearing for work that day. Albeit, she's in the zone physiologically for mating...gawd, I sound like an ass and a nerd there don't I? It's not that compliments from the wife never occur, it's just the power of perception that I was amused by.

I had a few different meetings out of town with employees and coworkers over the past couple weeks. I've been lavished with compliments regarding my weight with them. "Oh, you've lost weight haven't you?" "Your face looks thinner" or "Lookin' good slim." from multiple people.

I gotta admit, I'm loving the attention. In reality, I've actually lost about 15 pounds over the past three months. People I don't see regularly noticing makes me feel fantastic. My wife's comments are what struck the cord.

She's around me all the time so she doesn't mark the weight loss the same way folks who see me quarterly do. She just thinks I look good and that's a fantastic thing! I'll take the true compliment over the back handed "Wow, you're not as fat as you were" comment any day.

Hope your Friday started off as good as mine did. (with that compliment of course) I was in the 70's and gorgeous today which made working mighty difficult. A really good friend and his buddy came into town to stay for a couple weeks while they attend Austin's South by Southwest Film, Interactive & Music festivals.

Dudes, they ran into Jake Gyllenhaal while he was promoting his new film, Source Code. He's apparently short. My buddy is about 6' like me. So if his judgement is anything like mine at 6', that puts Jake 5' 8" or less.

Here's to a great weekend! Cheers!

Push Don't Pull

2011-03-09T23:59:00.003-06:00

Went to Ikea tonight. We are tweaking our office at home a little and needed to pick up some cost effective shelving. The little girl had to potty as soon as we arrived, right on cue!

We went into the family bathroom to fix everyone up. What to do with my son? Ah ha!

This might be my favorite invention ever.

I've actually thrown my daughter on my shoulders to pee while at the movies before. These should be installed in every bathroom stall period!

Genius no?

So while waiting for nature to take her course, I couldn't help but notice that the Swedes had a lost in translation moment. Though honestly I wouldn't put it past Arkansas to be behind this.

Medical Alert Device, way to plan ahead.

The instructions are very specific. You just might want to ignore them and follow your gut instinct instead.

Here's their first big whoops.

Fire can be a medical emergency right?

So they redeem themselves now by sticking to the plan.

Remember? Lift cover. Whew! Glad that worked out for us.

(I was going to get a glare free shot of the next image but set off the alarm doing so. I slammed it shut while simultaneously swallowing my heart back into my torso.)

Aw hell. What am I supposed to do now?

Heart attack and flames around my bare ass!

Now they're giving me more mixed signals than Samantha Tonnubee my senior year at reverse Prom!

(Morp, basically a Sadie Hawkins dance where the girl asks the guy.)

(I got none that night, but when I left her, I had that gut, I'm an idiot for not acting on that, feeling!)

Back to the dilemma at hand.

Push is quite clearly their intention.

Though I read Pull just half a second ago.

Shit, now they're asking me to turn and reset.

Ah hell. St. Pete, you can have my stalled heart burnt to a crisp hull.

Ikea, thanks for letting me die because of faulty instructions.

Oh wait, maybe you really saved me.

I could have had to actually take your directions home on a four thousand piece entertainment cabinet that would require a two year stint at VoTech and three solid years of steady assembly to construct.

Whew, that was a close one, now where's my halo.

Damn it's hot up here, thought for sure it would smell like fresh lenins.

Instead it smells like someone dropped a rotten egg.

Garage Sale Tips

2011-03-03T22:27:00.001-06:00

We are having a garage sale this Saturday. I've never organized one. I'm fairly confident I know what needs to be done. I just don't know if we gave ourselves enough time. I certainly haven't been dedicated to the task the way my wife has. Then again, I work work.

Have you ever had one? Was it successful? What would you have done differently if you had the chance to click the redo button?

My boss told me to price to sell and remove emotions from the objects. I think the emotional side is in check. I survived losing everything in a house fire when I was a teenager. Price to move and short change yourself is the fine line I'm worried about. Guess it doesn't matter though. If I'm not using it, doesn't that mean it's worth $0 now?

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Help me get a new LCD TV! Yes, we are one of those families who still have a giant tube TV. It's time to step into the modern era! The left overs will go toward a new mattress. Yep, priorities. Sleep and health came behind entertainment AGAIN!

Editor's Note (Fine. It's just me): Just past midnight the day before this thing. Allow me to preface this with: My wife has worked her ass off for this so the following statement shouldn't detract from her efforts in any way! I asked her to do something for me to prepare for tomorrow. I asked her to withdraw $200 and have the bank break it down into small bills so we'd have change. I hand wrote my request. She didn't return with it so I cannot submit any evidence in my favor or against.

I asked for:

$10 - Quarters
$130 - $1's
$60 - $5's

She came back with

$110 - $10's
$60 - $5's
$30 - $1's

hmmm

I might have exploded a little. I wanted to know how we got $110 in tens! And where the hell are the quarters? That was the light bulb for her. Her reply: "Quarters! I couldn't read that at all. I thought it said Quantities. I didn't understand what you meant. And why the hell would you need $130 ones?" This "conversation" most definitely ended in my showing my ass (figuratively...She's actually bit my ass before when I used what was once my go to comeback.).

Wish us luck!

Experiences

2011-03-02T22:37:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was full of experiences that can never be repeated. Today's weren't so bad either. I headed to Houston so I could be in town for a bunch of meetings today.

Middle of Nowhere

I spontaneously decided to have a face to face meeting with my 1st cousin on my biological father's side of the family. I've never met the man, but his sister and her daughter have become friends via Facebook. My cousin works at a bar in Houston so I asked if she was working and to my benefit, she was. I got to meet her on her turf, but where I wasn't in a high pressure situation. (plus alcohol was involved, which always helps) Things went well. I'll leave it at that because I might revisit this topic later.

Later that night, my buddy had an accoustic show that was truely a trip. It was at a black club (yes, I'm talking skin color) in the hood in Houston. I was the ONLY white person in the whole place. Because he was the featured artist during their Poetry in the Hood, Tuesday night feature, I was in the spot light more so than probably would have been normal (being part of his "crew"). I haven't figured out the best way to describe this experience because there was so much going on that I may not do it justice.

I was so far out of my element that it put me in National Geographic mode. Everyone was cool and I never felt thereatened, but I was certainly the butt of every white joke of the eveing from the emcee and crowd. I think I handled myself well. One can only guess the perception though. I'll try to follow up with this later this week.

So fast forward to today. We had a really cool, casual meeting as a team from across the state today. We were all in town for a big "road show/town hall" meeting with all the big wigs (CEO, COO, VP, etc). It was long and interesting. The end went HORIBLE when a bunch of disgruntled pions got up to voice their opinion. Probably not going to revisit that cluster again, so just trust me that when upper crusty execs and above minimum wage, one step away from unionizing lazy asses mix, it's never happiness for management in the room.

My boss planned to continue our meeting afterward, but the execs went over 2 hours longer than expected. So instead he cut to the chase and delivered our 2010 bonuses. This was the highlight of the day. I was expecting a few hundred bucks because they've jipped us the past few years. Ladies and gentlemen, I blew out my goals and THEY ACUTALLY PAID ME FOR IT! I'm receiving over $10,000!!!!! WOOT WOOT!!!!!!! Could not have come at a better time! Happiness abounds. I'll go a head and give myself a pat on the back for a good 2010. Talk about swimming in joy right now. This is what I signed up for and it's finally made itself know. Gonna be a good March YO!

Apprehension?

2011-03-01T14:31:00.000-06:00

Slight case of the nerves. I'm heading to Houston tonight because I've got meetings booked all day tomorrow down there. A spontaneous Facebook post is now thrusting me into a situation I may have subconsciously been hoping wouldn't pan out.

I've never met my biological father. I've known his aunt and uncle (who were a big part of his life) since I was a child. My mother maintained correspondence with them and I spent a month with them one summer when I was younger. There's only been one attempt at meeting this man and it didn't go well, nor did it result in any face to face interaction.

His estranged sister and her daughter live in Houston. His sister found me on AOL back 15 years ago and that's how the first attempt at a reunion occurred. We've since found each other on Myspace and later, Facebook. That electronic barrier has allowed us to get to know one another without the awkward "it's been 30+ years" interaction.

Well her daughter is a bartender at a bar near my buddy's house. I decided to ping her and see if she was working. I have an easy out. We are going to his show from 10 to 12 and I won't be there until 8 or 9. Basically I only have to survive an hour or so. AND alcohol will be present. Everything should be fine right?

We've "known" each other virtually for a few years. She's blood, so there shouldn't be this jittery feeling. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it. Though just putting it down in words seems to be helping.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Trying To Be Catchy Blog Title

2011-02-26T00:22:00.002-06:00

Why do people like a parody? Humorous looks at something we already know are safe zones for us. Movies like Naked Gun, Scary Movie and Not Another Teen Movie are literally telling a mashed up version of the same movies we all dished out cash for one year prior. And we dish it out too, then and now.

Meta humor works because our reaction of "I knew that was coming and it only made me laugh more" is our reality. I see this in both my children (a 2 year old and an 8 month old) when I'm repeating something silly to get a laugh. They anticipate a reaction/laugh to the point they begin laughing before I've done "The (fill in the blank)" again.

I enjoy this brand of comedy. Maybe that makes me a little dull. Personally I can't stand most modern comedies. They always explain the punchline as soon as it's delivered. You don't have to tell someone it's funny to make it funny. This might be another reason they are so easily parodied.

These two clips are awesome examples of meta parody.

The first is a video I grabbed from cracked.com It's "A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever."

A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever -- powered by Cracked.com

This is the same concept but for the lyrics and music of a love song. I love Axis of Awesome. "How to Write a Love Song."

The end of the song where they talk about how this is a totally generic love song that could really be about anyone is all I can think of every time I hear a Melissa Ethridge or George Michael song. Stay away from those pronouns if you want to keep it mass marketable!

Can a Fire Extinguisher be Reused?

2011-02-22T23:20:00.002-06:00

Parents are eternally kept on their toes by their children. I know as they get older things get easier until they're teenagers then comes a whole slew of other problems. But that's my point. It never ends. Until I was married I know my parents thought I'd kill myself by way of stupidity or worse, someone else. OK, well, they are MY parents, so the or worse would be reversed for them. Then again, they are MY parents, so maybe that statement stands.

You're of course asking what my child did now. I know you are, because you know otherwise, the word fire wouldn't appear in my title. And this is my blog where I get to vent about my ~~curse~~ offspring. You already know.

Yes, my daughter nearly burned down the house. No it was not successful but an admirable attempt nonetheless. Oh and don't think my wife and I weren't accomplices via neglectful parenting either.

How am I responsible? I didn't reinstall the gate my daughter ripped out of the wall. Technically I did, I just didn't buy the right stuff and had to go back to Home Depot "the next day" (read that as: a week later) to repair the damage and properly reinforce our barrier between our living room and kitchen/dining room area.

Note the child is still ultimately responsible. She plotted this, I know it. Step 1: Destroy gate and eliminate all obstacles. (Should be read with a two year old's inner voice)

How is my wife responsible? I'll spare you all the "She's your child arguments." My wonderful wife surprised me (the primary cook in the house ---- read that however you want as long as you know I cook ALL non-take out meals that I eat at home) by cooking dinner. She was making Arroz Con Pollo (Spanish for Rice with Chicken --- we're all fancy and shit 'roun' here). Step 2: Recognize opportunity's knock. The guards are disoriented by a change of venue, weakness in the ranks is evident. (again with the toddler inner voice)

How else is my wife responsible? You didn't think I was letting her off that easy, huh? Hell, some might misconstrue her act as kind and considerate. Some I said. My wife is notorious for not putting things back in their place in the kitchen. I don't mean she puts plates and silverware in the bread box and ice cream in the drawer. I mean, she doesn't put pantry products back in the pantry. EVER. I put the peanut butter back weekly. I put the bag of chips back weekly. (I'm being generous with the weekly bit, don't take me so literal people!). What did she leave out this time you ask? If you didn't, I'm obviously losing you and I'll try to speed this up from here on out. She left our son's teething crackers out. Where is the important piece of info and will be revealed in a sec. Step 3: Strike while the fire --- pun intended --- is hot! (I'm gonna have to find out who her inner voice is so we can give him/her credit in the future. Maybe Kathryn can help. She seems to be very in tune with the secret lives of our superegos.)

Let's get to it shall we. What did she do? My wife went to pull dinner from the oven. I was chillin' in the living room with the little guy. I hear a shriek and a shrill "DORN I NEED SOME HELP IN HERE!"

I smelled fire. Instantly I assumed she'd caught her oven mitt on fire or something. It is rare that she gets this in depth with food. Mac & Cheese might be the most complicated thing I see her make. (Before guilt gets me, I have to admit she will make the occasional breakfast, so I can't claim ALL food is prepared by me, but most is highly accurate)

As I rushed to my feet, I asked "is something on fire?" "YES," was her reply. I rounded the corner to see flames two feet high coming from the toaster! A box of teething crackers my wife left on the toaster has ignited. I scrambled. The sink had a mountain of arroz con pollo prep dishes in it (one pot meal my ass). Knocking it into the sink is a no go.

AH HA! I just got a new fire extinguisher a couple months ago! It's in the child proof cabinet!

I've never used a fire extinguisher! Oh shit!

I pulled the pin and gave it a burst. Gave it a goofy gawk necked, wide eyed look. One more burst for good measure. Daddy's a hero!

Smokey house had to be aired out and we decided to eat in the living room to avoid the disaster we knew we had to tackle soon.

There's really a Step 0.5: Know your enemy's ~~stupidity level~~ weaknesses. (I'm pretty sure that Map from Dora the Explorer would be my daughter's inner voice right now. So yeah, all of these probably should have been read with an excited parchment's inflections.) Mom & Dad don't unplug appliances after they are done using them. Should they know better? Absolutely. Weekly (there I go again) she turns the microwave, the dishwasher and the toaster on. Lesson learned kid!

The Scene of the Crime

Toddler Arson will get you 20 years or more of family ridicule once you're old enough to understand it or at least show visible discomfort while being the butt of a joke.

So this is the second shelf inside the cabinet above the toaster. I was amazed how far those two little half second bursts sent this crap. We did two full loads of dishes straight from the cupboards and drawers plus the coffee pot. The wine glasses and pans that were drying were covered. Clean up wasn't fun but it forced a bit of spring cleaning in the kitchen and now we have SOOO much room in all the drawers and cabinets. Good time for a garage sale I think.

What I want to know is what I'm supposed to do with the fire extinguisher. I know I didn't use even a tenth of that container. Does it have to be recharged? Can it be recharged? Do I have to replace the whole thing? This wasn't one of those little BS ones. I bought a big 'ol boy! I don't want to replace it! I just bought it. Granted, it came in handy and I am eternally grateful that I had it available. Though in retrospect the hose from the sink sprayer would have probably made less of a mess. Then again, we are talking about a toaster fire. Daddy could have electrocuted the whole family that night. Eh, why dwell on the what ifs.

Good Day Watson

2011-02-17T23:09:00.002-06:00

Congratulations IBM.

Way to go Watson.

Just Sayin'.

I'm sad that I didn't get to watch this. Back in the day (when I was a waiter and afternoons were spent sleeping, smoking, and watching TV) me and Jeopardy had a date every day at 4pm. Judge away, at least it wasn't Jerry Springer or Days of our Lives.

IBM's Watson has been talked about forever now. I wasn't sure how he'd do considering the way the game show plays around with their "Answers" to get you to phrase your perfect question. All the knowledge in the world can't help you figure out some of those puns within a question read by Alex in his best befitted accent.

The local morning radio jocks were discussing how a.) Watson was fed the questions, not listening to them like Mr. Jennings was. b.) He would wager the most insanely non-round figures. c.) got a question/answer wrong that shouldn't have computed at all.

Final Jeopardy Category is "U.S. Cities"

Answer:

"Its largest airport is named for a World War II hero, its second largest for a World War II battle."

Watson's Response:

"What is Toronto."

I'm not going to try to figure out the logic. BUT, I have a little hand held device called 20 questions. The concept is that you think of something and it asks 20 questions to guess it correctly. It has a startling 95% accuracy rate. (Mirror is the first think that comes to mind that I stumped it with) Basically it eliminates answers based on your responses to the questions. So shouldn't a Canadian city be ruled out by default? Again, just sayin'.

I heard they were implementing a new computer monitoring program in the Space Station. The first thing I though was, "Hello, Hal." Someone create the Hollodeck for Christsake! Quit chasing the robot villains of SciFi movies! Cyberdyne knew what it was doing and produced intelligent killing machines. So what, now I'm going to be slaughtered by a retarded Terminator? Mechanical cackling as it pokes my entrails and chases it's own shadow. Probably karma really.

Oh yeah, the answer...er question is "What is Chicago." O'hare and Midway, ya know?

Over Promise and Under Deliver

2011-02-11T09:23:00.001-06:00

I do not have the greatest follow through when it comes down to it. So I probably shouldn't be so hard on people when they fail to deliver on there promises. Making me look even worse, I'm talking about Twitter here. My life on Twitter is fairly blah. For me it's something that I started to just check it out and now I'm like a toddler who refuses to go to bed for fear of missing out on something, I can't quit.

So P. Diddy tweeted that will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas was going to live tweet the half time performance I was like, sure. I didn't expect much, but thought we'd at least get some craziness if he tried to pause his performance to play with his phone.

Prior to the performance, mid game, here are a couple Will.i.am tweets.

@iamwill

We are about to get dressed now for the show. "Uh oh" here comes the nervousness I never get nervous...what are these butterflys doing here?

I played 1mil people in brazil, the world cup for 1bil. And I'm so nervous for the superbowl. "I feel like crying" this is so special for us

I'm in the back getting ready and I can't see the game :(

Here we go...a few more minutes and we go live

In case you flipped it to the Puppy Bowl or had to make a beer run, here is the Halftime Show.

So did you see him reach for his phone at all during the performance? No. You know why? Because that's just insane. You cannot perform AND tweet! People die while texting a driving. Did you see all that neon and shrapnel dancing around that stage. Tweet once and that's the end of the Peas.

So, what happened? Why no Tweets? He could have said, "sorry guys, to excited and performance focused. How was it?" Way to classy. Here is what we got.

Att crashed...ahhhh!!!! The worse

At&t??? Wow...no service during halftime...unbelievable

He continued on about how great that felt and thanked people for liking it and bragged about MC Hammer diggin' the show and whatnot. Why make up BS? AT&T didn't crash. Hell, they've probably got 40 towers surrounding Jerryworld! Just sad and pathetic.

But like I said earlier, this is Twitter, so why am I really taking it so seriously? Then yesterday a local radio DJ that I listen to daily tweeted this.

@jasondick101x

T-minus 45 minutes till blind date. Preparing to live tweet.

OK, this is going to be great! Dude is a narcissistic jack ass. Tweeting a Blind Date was genius. So here's what we got.

No, you're not missing something. We got bupkis.

Fine, it's Twitter. I shouldn't give a crap. It's still a bummer. Kinda like Mubarak claiming he'll step down. Claiming he'll not run. Hold a press conference then make the people wait. Then say maybe I'll think about the possibility of someday stepping down. OK not really delusional enough to believe these two jack asses Twitter premature ejaculations equate in any way shape or form to a Tyrant in Egypt lording his power over his people. Still, Social Media let downs are this decade's lip syncing on TV. Maybe not, but that's how I feel!

Europe is Just Creepier

2011-02-10T10:23:00.000-06:00

I watched two versions of the same movie within the same month. I thought that it wouldn't matter as one was the original foreign concept and the other is the American Redux. Surprisingly, the American version was scene for scene the same as the other. To be honest, watched might be an overstatement. I'll explain in a minute.

The movie was "Let Me In"

The foreign version was "Let the Right One In" from Sweden

They call it a Romantic Horror Film!

We watched the Swedish version on Netflix streaming. It was a phenomenal movie. Minimal special effects, it was all about the characters. So while the film is about a vampire and thus has a creep factor anyway, the real creepiness comes from the silence. There wasn't a soundtrack to the Swedish original. The silence added to the coldness and discomfort. Truly a great enhancement to the normal gut wrench.

We received the DVD of "Let Me In" much sooner than expected. We popped it in expecting to see an American retake with considerable flair. It wasn't there. The story was nearly identical. Music on the other hand was present. I'm not going to say it took away from the movie, because it didn't. It's just evident that as Americans, we have a need to fill every inch of film with noise.

Back to that part about watching being an overstatement. We finally stopped the movie about 25 minutes in. It wasn't enticing at all. I asked my wife why they remade it at all? Is it so hard to read subtitles? The obvious answer is yes. I'm not going to claim I enjoy reading subtitles, but I'm certainly not unable to enjoy a subtitled movie. I get that they were impressed by the original and probably the book (I didn't read it) so why not capitalize on it? It wasn't my cup of tea.

I wonder if my reaction would have been as harsh had a year passed between viewings. I'm sure there would be considerable slack. Alas, I was just bored and couldn't get through it. I'd recommend watching one or the other. The story itself is compelling and definitely worth a view.

Super Sunday

2011-02-07T11:02:00.002-06:00

I kinda feel sorry for Christina Aguilera. Only a little though. The pressure has got to be massive. Your voice singing the one song you CANNOT mess up. I mean within reason. Every woman who sings the National Anthem jacks it to hell in an effort prove she's got the pipes to back up her Divadom. That said, the words are off limits regarding artistic license.

Though this look she's rockin' inspires such funeral outbursts as

"That whore ain't gettin' none of Daddy's money!"

How was your Super Bowl experience? Mine was low key. At home with the wife and kids. Burgers on the grill. Beer from the fridge.

The game was great. Without a true dog in the fight, I wasn't whole heartedly cheering for either side. I picked the Steelers because tons of my family are from PA but even still there were a few times that Green Bay got a cheer out of me. Yep, that means the loss didn't hurt very much. Way to go Packers.

Everyone's talking about Super Bowl Ads. A couple made me laugh. The Doritos raising the fish, the plant and Grandpa from the dead got the best response. Budweiser's "Tiny Dancer" had me glued to the screen and it ultimately made me smile. My wife loved the Gilded Cage Audi commercial. How bout you? Here's a link in case you want to relive any of them.

Love - The Game

2011-02-04T12:02:00.000-06:00

Thank you Kottke.org for the lazy blog today.

Attention Flash Happy Gamers! Here is Love.

Get your box to spin by flirting with other boxes. Don't get too close though, your love will die.

I never got all six boxes to love me at once, but five felt pretty damn good!

Care to play? Find your love here.

What's Wrong With Blogger?

2011-02-04T09:24:00.000-06:00

I just hopped on her to write today and noticed my Groundhog's day post didn't ever post. Last week I had a scheduled post that didn't hit either. I had to post it live too. I am not blog savvy enough to be jacked with Blogspot! Play nice.

One Pill Makes You Gay, One Pill Makes You Shake

2011-02-02T08:14:00.002-06:00

I don't care if that rodent sees his shadow. His prediction is a scam. "Six more weeks of winter or spring is just around the corner." He's right either way! This time last year I waited outside at four in the morning with 4* weather for Phil to predict the future. I am happy I can say I did the Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania Ground Hog's Day trip. I will never torture myself or my family that way again. Cold will come with skis.

Moving on to more pressing issues. I read an article about a man suing Glaxo Smith Kline because his Parkinson's drug made him addicted to gay sex. The drug is called Requip. It's the same one those "Restless Leg Syndrome" commercials talk about. The commercials even talk about the compulsive addictions that people experience as a side effect. My assumption is that I saw those commercials after this guys problem occurred.

This guy worked for the French Ministry of Defense. The experiences he had on the drug caused him to be demoted from his position. He's suing GSK and his neurologist for $610K for failing to warn him of the dangers.

Supposedly he tried to commit suicide, became addicted to gambling and flashing himself on the internet. He also became addicted to gay sex which later caused him to be raped.

So the link between gay sex and rape is a bit unclear to me, but I guess if you dive in to risky behavior (his compulsions, not the gay sex), you might put yourself in a situation that doesn't work out so hot.

What I want to know is how he's claiming the drug made him gay. I'm fairly positive the drug made him lose inhibitions and would lead to compulsive behavior. That accounts for the suicide and gambling and flashing. But being gay is obviously something he was trying to hide or not acknowledge. With lowered inhibitions, I guess it just stepped him right out of the closet.

Granted this story wasn't on the front page of the New York Times or anything, but still. Sensationalizing the lawsuit by claiming the drug made him gay was poor reporting at best. Though, without it, I wouldn't have even paused while scanning my Fluent News feed.

Piecemeal Post

2011-02-01T09:23:00.000-06:00

Time to piecemeal a blog post together. I don't want to dwell on any of these topics long enough to really have a post but I'd like to get the thoughts out there none the less.

Hitting Close to Home:
Found out my Brother-In-Law is being deployed to Afghanistan next month for a year. He joined the National Guard last year and we all knew it was a high probability. My Cousins and Aunt have been over their multiple times. This one just seems rough because his wife is due in July with their second baby and he won't get to meet he/she until they are seven or eight months old. His wife and four year old daughter will be miserable without him. That said, this was his decision. I don't know. I'm just not diggin' it.

Here I Whine About the Weather:
This weekend was beautiful 70* weather and gorgeous. Made me ever so grateful to live in Texas. Apparently the weather gods caught wind of my happiness and decided to knock me down a peg or two. It's 34* currently with a 17* windchill. I know that's nothing compared to my family in Oklahoma with a foot on the ground and a blizzard hitting at noon. And you guys on the East Coast have me beat hands down...I'm not cut out for true winter weather! Honestly, I'd rather have a foot of snow to account for this crippling north wind that keeps slicing me like a knife.

Here I Bitch About Losers:
I was at the store the other day when a girl buying diapers was in front of me and her mother was in the lane to my right. (I know this because daughter called out for her mid transaction). She couldn't get her welfare card to work. The guy behind the cash register was Indian and spoke crappy English trying to explain that the machine wouldn't read the card. She and her mother were Mexican and spoke no English. We weren't making progress. She had the card upside down. Mother had used WIC for all the food she had in her cart and daughter used what I assume are food stamps for the diapers. WTF? I am going broke paying for my brood. I pay taxes every year. I hear on commercials for law offices offering to fight the IRS for you to get your tax settlement slashed to 10% of what you owe. If you're being foreclosed they'll work with you so you don't loose your home. If you have credit card debt, they'll help you get everything reduced. What about people like me? I haven't fucked the world over. I don't owe a half a million to random people. I'm paying my bills. Who is out there to help me? Why do the screw ups get assistance and not normal, hard working, law abiding citizens?

Lay it on me folks. Tell me what I need to know.

Toppling Toddlers

2011-01-31T10:34:00.000-06:00

Admittedly, my daughter gets into some situations that make me question my value as a parent. She's bumped her head crawling under, well everything! She and I wrestle and roughhouse, much to the chagrin of my wife and mother-in-law. She comes to my side of the bed in the middle of the night when she wakes up. She can't put her self back to bed for some reason. As I carry her back to her room I inevitably (more than 50% of the time) knock her head against the door.

I prefaced all that to say that yes, my daughter (and son, mostly at the hands of my daughter) get hurt on a regular basis. Read my Christmas recap and you'll see even more evidence of the abuse my child takes. In all seriousness people, do not call CPS, I don't intentionally harm nor do I neglectfully harm my child! We went to the park yesterday. It's usually fairly low key, maybe one or two other parents and a few other neighborhood kids. Not yesterday though! It was 80 degrees out and everyone took full advantage of a warm winter day! Yes, now all of you who have twenty feet of snow outside can groan and spite me. I live in Texas for more than just great BBQ, no state income tax, and the joy of being surrounded by illegal aliens.

Note the Bad Ass Thundercats Shirt!

I'm a cool dad!

We loaded up in the wagon and headed down the street. As we arrived at the park I'd guess there was easily 25 kids and a dozen parents. As we made our way down the path we first encountered a band (three qualifies as a band, right?) of armed children. They had a BB gun aimed right at us. I stared them down as we passed poised to beat someone else's child in front of them had that trigger clicked! A dad finally said, "you shouldn't point guns at people." I thought, if that's your child, you're a dick because he shouldn't be allowed to have a gun at the park! I never could place who was "responsible" for the kids nor who the gun belonged too. At one point another child had the gun and announced to his dad (same one with the aforementioned sage advice) "Look what I found!" His dad scolded him and said "you didn't find that so don't say that because you're not keeping it." Guess he's off the hook.

I let my daughter just run around the five different areas and I was going to chill on the picnic benches while my son played with his assortment of chew toys. Yes, at 6/7 months they are just like a puppy. I'd asked my daughter if she wanted me to keep her sunglasses while she played. Her swift answer was no. As I'm walking to the benches, wagon in tow, she begins to cry out "Daddy, Daddy, Wait!" A pair of mothers on the other picnic bench said, "You can't leave, where are you going?" I don't know if they were commenting on her crying out in jest as I would or if they actually thought I was ditching my kid. I turned around and she handed me her glasses and trotted off to the fun stuff.

I had to get up to look a few times when she was out of my sight. Once I thought I heard her cry and it took a bit to track her down but she was fine. Guess another little girl took a tumble.

So my thought here is that if your kid hasn't been walking even half their age, they aren't fit to be on their own. After that, fine they'll survive most things. I was stretching this thought letting her roam free, but I was a 3-10 second sprint away at all times.

This little 18ish month old kid named Dominic stopped by the wagon and tried to drink my daughter's juice. His dad followed over shortly and steered him away. I saw him commandeer another little kid's Tomas The Tank Engine powered scooter thing. He played with it for a few minutes before the dad finally was like "that's not ours, yada yada yada." Later I was watching my daughter check out a set of bikes and trikes. She mounted one of the tricycles to take it for a spin. She doesn't have one of her own, but I guess playing around in Target and watching kids on TV has taught her a thing or two. She was able to get those pedals going.

Well, it turns out this trike belonged to Dominic. They were just far enough away that I couldn't hear the exchange. But I could see from my daughter's face that he wasn't happy. She dismounted and just stood there. He pushed. She just stood her ground. His dad came between the two of them and my daughter just walked away. He then proceeds to mount another kids bike. So much for playground justice. I walked over to her and asked if she wanted to swing and she more than happily obliged. No reason to dwell on the negative right kid?

We'd been out there for about 45 minutes when I loaded them up to head home. As we rounded the corner of the fenced play ground I saw Dominic swinging with his dad. It was one of those safety swings with the giant yellow latch that comes all the way over the kid and locks to the swing. Yeah, well it wasn't latched. In fact, it wasn't down, it was above his head. Fine, my daughter has knocked her chin into it because she's just a bit small for it, but still safety features exist for a reason. Dominic and his dad took it one step further. Dominic was standing in the chair as his dad swung him. We only had about 15 yards to walk before we crossed directly behind him. Dominic swung up and flipped straight out of that chair and landed face down in the mulch legs flipping over his back. I didn't smile nor did I feel good about it, in fact I winced and cringed. Dominic's dad saw me witness this. I think he even had the same thought I did roll through his head before it happened. "You're an idiot and that kid is gonna get hurt." Sure enough it did. This wasn't justice, it wasn't even karma (maybe a little) it was stupid parenting.

Keep the rough housing and areal acrobatics behind closed doors. Far fewer judges around!

Lost & Found

2011-01-28T08:35:00.002-06:00

I've mentioned that I work for a rental car company several times before. The type of customers we get in our stores span the class spectrum. The upper crusties who's Land Rover is in the shop and they've had the audacity of making them drive a lowly rental instead of a loaner...the nerve! Your typical business man who is just making a run to Dallas for the day...typically your very best customer! Your weekend renter who's own car is a piece so they'll fork over the big bucks for a half price rental to take the family to Six Flags! The bottom of the barrel praying their credit card can handle the deposit and then turn around and lodge a complaint against the agent because they're looking for a discount after the fact. This industry keeps you on your toes. I've had to talk to bat shit crazy customers who've thrown things at my agents and ones so looped up on drugs after their recent accident I can't believe we actually rented a car to them. None the less, when something goes south, I'm the one they call.

I've dealt with more than my share of Slimers in my career!

So it's when I have to deal with someone who isn't an actual customer that I get the most absurd interactions. I'm talking about the kind that choose to call you because something has happened with one of our employees or one of our vehicles.

Customers' vehicles being involved with hit and runs are common place. Hello, you gave us your credit card and driver's license! Did you really think we wouldn't cooperate with the FBI after your crime spree? (That was a fun one!)

Like many of my locations, the one in question today is in a super busy strip center. About a year ago this same location gave me one of my favorite experiences involving a lady who wasn't about to let him come between her and a McDonald's breakfast! For brevity sake, lemme just tell you that threats of gun violence were involved. I've also talked about two of his other customers in the past. (Link, Link).

Yesterday was unfortunately my instigation. I got to the store about an hour before close. We were talking and at some point he asked me if I could figure out this phone he had sitting on his desk. He explained that the UPS guy had brought it in from the sidewalk out front assuming it was one of his customers. (Skipping to the end of the book here, it wasn't one of our customers.) It had rang earlier but he couldn't figure out how to unlock the phone to return the call or find any other helpful numbers to try and uncover the owner. Lost and found calls are typically the best when you've found someone's item. They are so happy and you get to be the hero for a few seconds. Here's an example of when things don't have a warm fuzzy ending. I'll spare you the multitude of drugs and weapons we've found. I can understand leaving a CD or sunglasses, but 5 pounds of weed or a loaded .45? Not items you just "forget."

It took a few seconds of playing around but I was able to work my way through the touch screen slide keyboard heavy as hell Motorola. So I called the last person back. Names have been change to protect the ~~idiots~~ innocent. Justin O'Malley didn't answer the phone, nor did it roll to voicemail. Must be a land line. So I saw that "Dad" had called a few times too. I gave "Dad" a ring. "Dad" answered and I explained who I was and what the deal was with the phone and I swear that a stoned Andy Griffith responded that it was his daughter's phone!

SOOOOO not what I was expecting when I Googled Andy Griffith.

Didn't he sing gospel?
Isn't that the nosy neighbor from Alf?

Way to get randy Andy!

He said she'd be by to pick it up. I told him the store's hours and he seemed to follow me, though the stoner voice was winning out over the kind and happy Grandpa voice. I hung up and relayed the story to my guy and told him he's probably both old and a stoner, after all this is Austin, TX. He said, you know he's about to call that phone to get a hold of her.

We continued talking and the phone rang as we both cracked up. It wasn't him, but Justin O'Malley, the first guy I called. Turns out it's the lady's son. He seems to be more with it that good ole gramps. I gave him the low down and asked what his mother's name was. He said "Justin O'Malley." Scratch the sentence about being with it! I asked him what his mother's name is. He replied "yeah, it's my mom's thanks!" Are we having a connection problem or is Grampie's wacky weed the good shit? So I said "Who will pick up the phone?" He says "Oh, she will." Gritting my teeth, I ask "and her name?" He chimes in with "she's Cindy O'Malley. Oh, I probably ought to get your number or something." "Here it is."

We got off the phone and it occurred to me that I should have told him what time we close as Grandpa was sure to forget. Then a few seconds later the phone rings again. It's Dad! Grandpa must be trying to track her down. I answered "Hello." Stoned Andy replies "Whaaaaaat arrrrrre youuuuuuuu doooooooin'?" Do I sound like a Cindy? I took a deep breath and said, "Hi this is Dorn, I spoke with you a few minutes ago about your daughter's phone."Oh that's right, can't call her on the phone because you got it!" "Yes, sir." "Well thank you, good bye."

At this point the store is closing in 30 minutes and I'm thinking we should just set the phone back on the concrete. Then Cindy calls the shop. They chat for a moment before she wants to know where they are located. My guy told her the shopping center where he is. She tells him she doesn't know where that is. I hear him attempt rational thought with her. "Ma'am, weren't you here? You dropped your phone in front of the store." I hear a deep sigh and he proceeds to give her the address. Five times.

She then asks what time they close and upon hearing that says she can't make it. She asks if he'll meet her somewhere in the city and he informs her that's not going to happen. But he can leave it with the wine bar next door since they'll be open later. He has me step out side to read their sign as they've recently changed names. I do and when I come back to hear him telling her their address is the same as his, they are in the same shopping center. He gives her the address again and the name of the wine bar and directions to the shopping center.

After he was off the phone, he looks at me and says Dad was in the hospital, "now don't you feel bad talking about him that way?" I smirked, "Not at all, he might have a morphine excuse but his progeny got it somewhere!"

See if I go above and beyond any time soon! I just don't know how some people survived childhood, let alone walk among us today!

Mess, Black Mess

2011-01-25T06:28:00.001-06:00

Another glimpse into the life of this marriage with children.

Came home last night to the normal routine. Littlest one is asleep, Wife is cleaning the house and Oldest one is all over me for attention. I went in to start cooking dinner. Yep, I work 50 hours a week (not including 25 on call hours!) and come home and cook every night! She knows she's a lucky lady!

I was cooking some pasta and had sliced up some fresh baked bread and put out oil and balsamic with herbs as a appetizer/snack while the rest cooked. (No I didn't bake my own bread, just hit the store right as it came out of the oven...I'm no Martha)

I'd diced up my veggies and sausage and peeled my shrimp. I was working on prepping everything else. Wife had given Oldest some of the uncooked pasta. They were little wagon wheels...gotta know your audience right? So she just kept on with "More Wheels Please" the whole time. This is a habit she gleamed from my wife and I do not understand it. Wife will eat dried spaghetti all the time. Ramen in broccoli salad is about the only time I'm down with it. Oh well, it doesn't hurt, but after five or six wheels I'd cut her off, no belly ache on my watch.

So Wife had gone to rescue the screaming littlest one who's now awake in his cradle. There was an incident. One of those incidents where, as a parent, you realize the error of your ways almost immediately. A scenario played out in my head but by the time I'd turned around it was too late. All I got was "uh oh!"

So when Wife came back incident was over and taken care of...well mostly.

Wife: Baby doll, where are your pants?
Oldest: No pants.
Wife: I see that. Dorn, why is she pantless?
Me: Ask your daughter.
Wife: What happened to your pants?
Oldest: Mess, Black Mess.
Wife: What?

Here's the What!

That scenario I saw was when I took the bag of wheel shaped pasta she'd pulled down from one counter and moved it to the center of the produce and bread I'd compiled on another counter. As I turned to stir the sauce, I pictured the bread knife flying off the cutting board as she tugged it for closer reach. Followed by this!

Ignore the broader mess that is an active house with children and note the splatter. You can even see where she was standing as there isn't a splatter mark in a pie slice shape. Oh the things you notice thanks to CSI!

I have to give her this, at least it wasn't in her hair...olive oil and scalps really shouldn't mix unless medically instructed! No more wheels for you!

The Beast's 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2010

2011-01-24T10:11:00.000-06:00

Enjoy this read. The Beast Link

I'm not in agreement with many of his folks, but his number one is quite exquisitely spot on. For those of you who won't follow the link. Here it is insulting my state and all.

1) You
Charges: Your brain’s been cobbled together over millions of years of blind evolution and it shows. You’re clumsy, stupid, weak and motivated by the basest of urges. Your MO is both grotesquely selfish and unquestionably deferential to questionable authority. You’re not in control of your life. You wear your ignorance like a badge of honor and gleefully submit to oppression, malfeasance and kleptocracy. You will buy anything. You will believe anything. You believe that evolution is a matter of belief. You likely scrolled down to #1, without reading the rest, because you’re an impatient, semi-literate Philistine who’s either unable or unwilling to digest more than 140 characters at a time. You think Epic Beard Man is a national hero and that Bradley Manning might be Eli and Peyton’s brother. You believe in American exceptionalism despite the contrary, compelling and overwhelming evidence. You tacitly partake in all manner of atrocity without batting a lash. You’re actively participating in our species’ extinction and you’re either in denial or you just don’t give a shit. You escape into every sort of mind-numbing distraction and ridiculous, convoluted fantasy, so you don’t have to face the bitter, terrifying fact that your life is utterly meaningless.
Aggravating factors: The careers of Rush Limbaugh, Oprah Winfrey, John Stossel and Justin Bieber; the success of The Secret, “Medium” and Atlas Shrugged; the election of Rand Paul; the existence of Kentucky, Texas and “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.”
Sentence: Bad teeth, an affinity for afternoon tea and the guilt-plagued, nostalgic psyche of a fallen empire.

Relevance? Might be a stretch...might.

How Big a Dork Am I?

2011-01-18T22:34:00.000-06:00

I was sent a link to a Rube Goldberg Machine and was in awe the entirety. Link here!

I remember watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure when I was a kid and thinking that opening scene was the most awesome way to cook breakfast ever! (sure as hell beats making it yourself after a hang over) Link cause someone sucks and disabled the embedding

The engineering and artistry (yes I'm geeking out that hard that I used those two adjectives to describe the work of nerds with way too much time on their hands) make me smile...no matter how trivial their end result is.

Well except for OK Go! The end result was a fun video and colorful band mates! Good job guys!

I Just Want To Fly

2011-01-17T10:43:00.001-06:00

I'm cleaning out my ~~household trash heap~~ office last night and was creating piles of crap. You know "stuff to be shredded," "stuff to be put in other rooms," "stuff to burn," "stuff you're glad you ran across instead of the wife," "stuff you wish your wife had found so you didn't have to touch...no wait, that's stuff to burn, never mind." etc.

In the "stuff to be put in other rooms" I was amassing quite a pile of crap which is typical. Perfect solution, right? Move crap from one room to another and eliminate as little as possible so the next time you clean, the same things just get moved into another room? In the pile is a pewter and stained glass fairy, an odd pair of craftily made angles, a puzzle piece of an airplane, a wing from my son's flying monkey Halloween costume, my daughter's superman punching bag that I haven't filled up, and a toy glider shaped like a dragon. Noticing a pattern? A.) none of this shit is mine. B.) They all fly and I don't. C.) my whole family must be trying to tell me something.

Either they are trying to rub it in my face that I am grounded or they think I should have superpowers and realize I don't so they are trying to leave me inspiration.

So my wife and I have had this discussion before. If you could have any super power, what would it be? My wife's is always the ability to fly. Mine is typically telekinesis or telepathy. I don't want to necessarily read people's minds but I'd love to be able to control them. Yeah, a bit of a god complex. But as I'm getting older, I care far less about that kind of control. I'm joining my wife's team and wishing for flight. Not the Southwest "you are free to move about the country" kind either. I want Superman, no wings necessary (cause really, feathers are gross) self propelled air time!

I want the freedom to feel myself rushing through the atmosphere. I would love to not require a vehicle everywhere I travel. I would love to be able to do something no one else can either. Thanks for the inspiration family. Oh but I'll probably hold off on hang gliding for a while just because...that first step's a doozie!

Impressed with this by my wife daily!

What's your superpower dream? If you could be invisible, where would you go first? If you had the ability to read minds, whose would you pry into?

Facebook Hoax

2011-01-16T21:36:00.000-06:00

Yep, read this article and actually believed it. http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/27321/facebook-will-end-on-march-15th/

Facebook is shutting down on March 15th!

So the logical questions rolled through my head...Is this a publicly traded company? Wouldn't they just make him retire and not shut their cash cow down? Is this Myspace's wet dream?

I mean, I wasn't reading The Onion after all. In retrospect, I should have noticed the National Inquirer "Bat Boy" logo and known something was up.

Speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, did you hear he was on the 10 worst dressed list? (Link) It really is pathetic when you think about it. It's like he's still 14 years old. Esquire put it perfectly "no matter how much money you have or how many people's secrets you hold in your digital palm, you cannot show up to a black-tie event in a t-shirt and jeans and expect to be taken seriously. Seriously." Maybe he's afraid no one would recognize him otherwise. I mean seriously, valets dress nicer.

Though, there are some folks who wouldn't have had the fantastic 2010 with out him...Link.

Yo, Quit Jackin' with My Sign!

2011-01-14T08:59:00.000-06:00

I must have missed a critical piece of information in physical science classes. I had no idea the sun revolved around anything. So when I started seeing all these articles about how the sun now travels through a new constellation, I became a little confused. (Link, Link, Linkity, Freaking Link.) There are now 13 signs of the Zodiac instead of 12. A constellation that is now being included is called Ophiuchus, The Snake Charmer...also known as Serpentarius.

Here's the new lay out courtesy of the Time link above.
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

OK, fine. Welcome to the crazy club. I hate that I'm admitting this, but irritates me that I just got bumped. I'm no longer Scorpio, I'm a Libra. WTH? Why are there some signs that last only a week and other that last nearly six? This might be my official vow to end all talk forever about star signs.

Oh and here's just a reality check. While looking at the Time link I noticed the trending stories below. Wiki is 10 years old (high school research papers never saw this coming!), a boy reenacted the "tongue stuck to the frozen pole" scene from A Christmas Story, and the Pope is seeking the "Perfect Christian Name" because Mary Theresa and Jesus (I've still never met a non-"Hey Zeus" Jesus) just weren't quite the dead give away that you're a Catholic he's looking for. Always be mindful of the company you keep! Notice the flooding in Australia, volcano in Sicily, or the collapse of the Lebanese government didn't quite make the cut!

As an aside, if we now travel through a constellation that everyone already knew about, wouldn't that mean we've always had it around? So why change anything? More so, aren't constellations just random groupings of stars that are billions of miles away from each other, but from our perspective they are side by side? More so, couldn't you come up with a gillion more constellations if you started looking around the sky? Hell with the way my daughter colors, she'd be able to connect those dots in no time. We've all been the same sign this whole time, you just needed a two-year old to map it out!

TMI Thursday

2011-01-13T06:00:00.001-06:00

Just like the title implies, the following is going to be WAY to much information to put out there but frankly it made me laugh so here it is!

Scene from a Marriage about Midnight.

The other night I'd placed my hand on my wife's thigh as we were going to sleep.

Wife: Hey, that tickled. Watch it or I'll do to you what you do to me.
Me: You can do to me what I do to you any day.
Wife: I'm sure you would.

Just to clarify that sexual innuendo...I'm not asking my wife to put anything inside of me. Beyond that I'll leave it up to your imagination.

Me: So. Have you started yet?
Wife: No and not tonight, it's late Dorn.
Me: That's not why I'm asking, unless I can change your mind about the whole being too late thing.
Wife: Probably not. So why do you ask?
Me: Well, I'm just trying to do the math.
Wife: Are you worried?
Me: You did just inhale two of those cupcakes I made. That was a two day chocolate jones I was fulfilling.

Exhibit A.

New Year's Res-a-what?

Wife: That wasn't just a chocolate craving, I wanted chocolate cake.

Me: Specific is even worse...hello "pickles and ice cream joke?"

Wife: Normal people don't have those kind of cravings.

Me: That's my point! Only pregnant chicks do!

Wife: You know that's not possible, I didn't get weird cravings plus for women who do they don't start until the second trimester.

Me: Convincing me or you?

Long Silence and I start making shadow puppets in our new projection night light.

Exhibit B.

Yep that's what it looks like...
...a simple contortion of my arm and hand.

Wife: Quit being a perv. Why are you worried?

Me: Were you on at my parents for Thanksgiving?

Wife: No. Your sister was, remember?

Me: Were you on, on your birthday?

Wife: No.

Me: You weren't on right after that either when I refused to wear anything.

Wife: So if we are, you're admitting fault?

Me: We're just talking right now. Did you start between Thanksgiving and your birthday?

Wife: I don't think so, but I can't remember.

Me: During Christmas?

Wife: No.

Me: So let's say it might have happened after Thanksgiving...that only gives us a couple days to work with here.

Wife: Chill out. I can skip them when breastfeeding.

Me: Yeah, except you don't! You started the month after each one was born. You're regular like clockwork.

Wife: I missed August. Just calm down.

Me: Fuck me. That doesn't give me any solace, that just means you're really off now and it definitely could be.

Wife: I go to the doctor on Tuesday, they always check.

I should not know this much about my wife's cycle. I should also not have to wear anything, but then I'm willing to sacrifice while my wife sustains our child solely by her bodily fluids (fine yes, we've introduced some stuff, but still! My 21 pound, six month old son has survived strictly from frequent visits to the milk bar and that just blows my mind!). I've vowed that 2011 would be a pregnancy free year and I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat crow in the first week!

My little freak out was for naught. She went to the doctor and they found no positive read on their test. In regards to the missing visitor, I guess I'm still not really convinced. I'll just ride the denial train a bit longer before I really panic...after all her doctor is a professional AND a fellow red head (he wouldn't lie to me right?)

Take a Trip

2011-01-12T09:54:00.000-06:00

This was really freaking cool...totally warps whatever you look at afterward.

Follow the instructions:

     Get ready to experience.

1.- Click on the link below.

2.- Then "click me to get trippy".

3.- Look at the center of the screen for 30 seconds, and then.

4.- Look at your hand holding the mouse (or using the touch pad),
    without moving it away from the mouse...NOT BEFORE!

    (it is called "cenesthetic hallucination")

http://www.neave.com/strobe/

Name that Product!

2011-01-10T23:09:00.002-06:00

I was checking out this post of Minimalist Label design and it got me thinking about marketing in general and how we have been semi-brainwashed by over advertising.

I'm not talking about how Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Lite are each marketing a product that tastes identical and isn't really beer at all...and I'm not dwelling on how crappy beer will keep you thin and get you lots of chicks either. Although, I do want to ask you something along those lines. Who is the official beer sponsor of the Super Bowl? I'll give you a hint...It's not Bud! ANSWER HERE

I'm also not going to get into another Super Bowl beverage war...Yeah I'm talkin' to you Coke and Pepsi! Keep it clean or I'll find a damn Shasta!

I'm talking every day things. Here are some simple questions. (Oh, sorry I forgot to mention this is more of a pop quiz than an blog post today)

1.) What do you use to clean out your ears?
2.) What do you use when you blow your nose?
3.) What do you put on a cut to help it heal faster?
4.) What do you put on top of said cut to keep it protected?
5.) What do you put your home cooked left overs in to be stored in the fridge?
6.) What do you wrap the top of a bowl of Aunt Erma's delicious ambrosia that not a soul touched during Christmas dinner before you stash it in the fridge?
7.) What do you put your left over Christmas ham sandwich in to take to work?
8.) What do you take to get rid of the head ache the previous seven questions delivered?

Alright, those questions weren't as simple as I meant them to be. It's harder to not mention any descriptors than I'd given it credit for. Oh and just to clarify, a bottle of wine was not the answer to number 8.

OK, in case you missed it, I'm leading this somewhere.

1.) That'd be a Cotton Swab...QTip sure does make a good one though!
2.) Hand me a Facial Tissue just doesn't roll of the tongue the way Kleenex does huh?
3.) I've never in my life said Triple Antibiotic Ointment, have you? I don't think I've actually bought non-generic Neosporin in years though. Of course my grandfather would have answered this Cut Heal. Go ahead, follow the link...yep that's Horse Salve and damn if it doesn't carry a foul odor...I swear gangrene would be more tolerable.
4.) This is what really started it all...I burned the crap out of myself the other day and taught my fascinated daughter the word Band Aid. My wife cut her finger and our daughter went around chanting "Mommy Band Aid Owie!" We've now run out and I noticed that no where on our box of Curad brand Adhesive Bandages did it say what they actually were.

They looked like this.

Though I don't think this is an example of

simpler marketing like the above link provided.

I really think it's more like "If Band Aid

can be that cocky, so can we!"

5.) Um, that's just a plastic container. But Tupperware is all I've ever called it. I don't even know if I've owned actual Tupperware. Do you remember when Glad began making those deli meat packages and marketing them as take and toss containers? They tried to get Gladware to catch on. It better not is all I have to say...microwave that shit and you'll die...let alone the recycle factor but don't get this half hippy started!
6.) Plastic Wrap...I actually did say this in the restaurant biz. I guess Saran Wrap is more on the consumer side versus professional. Oh and I'm pretty sure they don't make mega rolls like we used at my high school warehouse job. That comes in super handy when shrinkwapping the boss's car on April Fools too!

Those were the days!

7.) Plastic Baggy is what my wife calls them so I'm gonna concede if you do too. Me? When I ask your ass for a Ziploc bag, your response better not be will Hefty do? It better be Sandwich, Quart or Gallon sir?
8.) Yes I too need an Aspirin. Oh and you all in the Tylenol, Ibuprofen or Heroin delegation can just zip it!

OK, so that was a hell of a lot of fun huh? So how many of these do you just instinctively associate with a major brand instead of what the actual product is? Crisco and PAM are a couple others I'd come up with but was too lazy to figure out how to distinguish the two. Oh and I'm sure Apple effing hates the fact that we all use PC as interchangeably as Computer (iPhone glory aside) where I've never heard anyone say, "Lemme jump on the Mac and find that."

Brand recognition is everything. We all know what McDonald's is, so why on Earth do they keep pumping millions into advertising? Because we the consumer are fickle lovers and have no shame flirting with Jack in the Box while the King broils our buns...and you don't wanna know where Wendy is right now!

Life Flanked by Tragedy

2011-01-09T21:57:00.000-06:00

Read this Washington Post article about a 9 year old killed in Tuscon this weekend. I'm not saying the tragedy didn't catch my full attention when so many were shot. Or that a Federal Judge was killed. Or that those who died or were injured were victims of a madman's plot to kill his State Representative.

Christina-Taylor Green

Knowing this little girl's life will forever be associated with tragic events is heartbreaking. Who knows what she could have done in life. Being born on September 11th, 2001 alone could have been inspirational enough for her to become a motivational speaker. But then to be murdered as a child in another politically motivated act of evil deeply saddened me.

Here's the official victim's list from KTAR.com

18 people were injured when a 22-year-old man opened fire at a town hall meeting led by Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords Saturday morning in Tucson.

According to Pima County Sheriff's Office, the following victims were killed in Saturday shooting spree in Tucson:

• 30-year-old Gabriel Zimmerman, Gabrielle Gifford's staffer
• 9-year-old Christina Greene, student at Mesa Verde Elementary School
• 63-year-old John Roll, Chief Federal District Court Judge
• 76-year-old Dorthy Morris
• 79-year-old Phylis Scheck
• 76-year-old Dorwin Stoddard, pastor of Mountain Avenue Church of Christ

Judgment Day

2011-01-08T23:30:00.000-06:00

End of days huh? I'm not a believer but I'll totally give my friend (and every other religious nut) credit for making the connection. Then again, Cracked.com has a few good points with movie references.

I'll admit the thousands of birds that died in Arkansas the other day, the thousands of dead fish in Maryland and now the Italian turtle doves...I'm getting a little worried.

Snow in places it shouldn't, earthquakes in unexpected places. These are pretty much straight up Revelation type schiznit. I give it two weeks before someone like Joel Osteen declares Obama the serpent rising from the middle east as the Anti-Christ. (Although, I'd bet money Joel himself fits the bill just as nicely!) Then again, I guess it depends on which faction you fall into (I'm obviously not in either) pre or post tribulation as to whether we would have already met the Anti-Christ.

Nice, I'm snickering at most of this as I type. I guess those worries just needed to be ~~vocalized~~ typed so I could see their irrationality. Now back to those birds...some jack ass is probably trying to replicate the Flashforward event and we're all gonna get to see our futures here shortly. Whoops there I go again with the crazy talk. Better go to bed before I crack open that KJV on the shelf over there!